Becoming Your Best Self

Confidence

2009-12-12T17:48:00.000-08:00

I recently participated on a Wisdom Council to create the first yearly Wisdom's Feast spirituality conference for women. It was a humbling and glorious experience. Those of us who served on the Wisdom Council were able to meet earlier this week and digest our experiences and learnings from the day-long Conference itself.

And what we all got out of it-- each with her unique experience and perspective-- was greater self-confidence. I have more trust for my intuitive knowledge. This council member realized it's okay to be loud and large and visible sometimes. Another woman expressed her boosted confidence in becoming a keynote speaker because she now KNOWS she has wisdom to share; and so on. Each of us suddenly has greater respect for our own abilities, and a stronger trust that we can grow to fill a larger space in the world than we previously thought. And this conference on women's spirituality made room for all of it.

My workshop was on Intuitive Wisdom and Tarot. The concept of opening one's self to self-knowledge and Universal Wisdom on a deeper, intuitive level. This was coupled with the reality that tools like Tarot exist to draw our attention to things we already know, but need to acknowledge or work on in order to move forward productively. And thanks to all the wonderful women who attended my workshop at the Wisdom Conference, the energy in the room was amazing. The workshop was amazing. And I was amazed to find myself a conduit for such a powerful and beautiful group experience that morning.

So I'd like to continue thanking the Goddess for that. For the opportunity to be me, and be enough, and participate in that beautiful learning/teaching experience. I look forward to participating again next year. Next November, at the second annual Wisdom's Feast Conference. It's beginning to look like next year's conference may have a focus on women's experience of transition. At least, I hope that's the direction we take. Women in Transition. Women as Bringers of Wisdom. Wisdom's Feast.

Whatever the outcome, I'm confident that She will order all things well.

Growing Up Good

2009-10-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

I copied this post from the link below because it gave me such hope for the world. (Much-needed hope!)
http://community.livejournal.com/library_mofo/1175117.html
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I've been meaning to mention this one for a while, but...

To the two-year-old twin girls who come in with their mom, so well-behaved, and clean up the children's area when they're finished playing, and always push in the chairs, and wait until we're done with the patron on the computer before showing us that wonderful book they found this time, that they're so excited about getting to read... Thank you. May you grow up just as wonderful as you are when you visit us...and just as generous.

We actually have a whole bunch of awesome little kids at work, but these two really take the cake. They came toddling in one day with their mom, nearly bouncing, and came up to return their books, and handed us a bag. Inside was the majority of their joint sticker collection. One of the things we've had to cut back on is fun kid-stuff, like coloring/activity pages, and the stickers the kids get at the end of their visit, at checkout. These two little girls visit with their mom regularly, and always ask for a sticker, like the other little ones...so they donated their sticker collection from birthdays and other presents so that everyone could still get one, when they come to the library.

Creating Community

2009-09-14T21:56:00.001-07:00

I spend a lot of my free time working as the Coordinator for a small organic farm and nonprofit foundation. The farm is operated by five generations of women and men, not all from the same genetic family.

The Elder of the household is 92 years old. The youngest is just under five months. Together, these eight people have created a family community on the farm. Even though only two of them are actually related. And last Friday, the farm Elder had a stroke. Since then, everyone on the farm has taken turns sitting with her in the hospital. And when she woke up this morning, she found one of the young men from the farm sitting by her bed. She ate a few bites of applesauce, which exhausted her. The doctors are calling it a miracle that she can function at all.

She turned to the young man, and said "Thank you for being here." Then she closed her eyes and went back to sleep. So he stayed. Until someone else from the farm could come to the hospital to take his seat by her bed.

Hearing about that moment-- about a young man refusing to leave an old woman he's only known for a few months-- reminded me just how important it is for each of us to know we are not alone. That someone out there cares for our well-being, and would worry if we didn't make it home or didn't respond to their email or didn't show up for lunch on Thursday. It's good to enjoy your own company, to be comfortable in your own skin. To take time away from the bustle of the world and really get to know your own motivations, desires, and expectations.

But it is also good to wake up and know that someone cares whether you live or die. And there are so many ways to create a caring community for ourselves. We can volunteer and get to know the folks we're helping or working with. We can join some group activity like a painting class or yoga or even organize a monthly potluck with friends. We can visit the local Retirement Community or find a communal living arrangement of our own. And Big Brother/ Big Sister always needs volunteers. It's amazing how big a gift we get back whenever we give.

In the case of our farm Elder, she gave her farmhouse to a younger generation-- a nephew-- so that he and his wife could fix it up, farm the land, and fill the old homestead with a new created family. A family that cares enough to stay by her bedside while she sleeps, so that when she wakes up, she'll know she's not alone.

I want you to know the same thing-- You are not alone. You don't have to face life and life's challenges without support and care. And you should know that you aren't the only person going through the bumps in your particular road. There are support groups, counselors, and life coaches everywhere who can tell you the same thing-- Sometimes life is tough. Here are some of the things that might help you cope, even get you past this particular bump in the road... And you're not the first person to experience that particular challenge. I can't make it go away, but I can tell you this: You don't have to go through it alone, whatever it is. Really.

Overcoming Shame

2009-08-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

I wear many different hats right now. As with a large percentage of the population, my plans and processes have had to change as our economic situation worsened over the last two years. My understanding is that we'll really start to see those improvements that everyone has started talking about... fairly close to Christmas time. I think it'll make a great present.

One of the hats I currently wear is that of Assistant to the Director for a small rural nonprofit. Our goals range from creating and using a functional accounting system to adding nutritional education to our menu of field-trip programs we offer to local schools. Today we had our usual monthly Board Meeting.

At past meetings, I've felt a little embarrassed to be the only paid employee in a sea of dedicated volunteers. I've been coming in about twice a week for a couple of months now. The rest of the Board has worked longer and harder on these projects than I have. Most of them are older, wiser, and they all have full-time jobs. The money I earn here has helped my budget immensely, and I'm proud of the work I do and the support I give to this fledgling nonprofit. But somehow, I always felt uncomfortable and unhappy when it came time to be paid for my efforts.

When I finally noticed myself feeling this way, I took a time-out (about an hour with the phone, the computer, and the TV turned off) to really examine the situation, and my place in it. I realized that the work I do is supporting a great cause, and that my goal in working for this nonprofit is to use all my skills to help it succeed. I love my job. Even the accounting. And I work hard every day that I'm scheduled to be there. Everyone else in that Board Meeting has a regular day job that they love and are paid to do, too. They volunteer for specific events or projects. I show up twice or even three times a week, every week, to make those events happen. And when I don't look at "what everybody else is doing" I actually feel that the money I earn as the Assistant to the Director is a fair trade for my efforts and energy expended. In fact, they're getting a really good deal out of me.

At the end of my hour, I came to the conclusion that how I feel when the Director hands me my paycheck is a choice. My choice. And I can choose to feel ashamed that I am not in a position to work for free, that I need those two days a week to make my budget work-- or I can be excited that they still think my contributions are worth contracting for. I'm choosing to feel excited and proud about my next paycheck. It may not be large, but it is an important acknowledgment of my commitment and skills. It is helping put food on my table and pay for the car I drive 90 minutes out to the office and 90 minutes back.

Shifting your relationship to the money you earn-- whether deciding to be grateful for the opportunity to support your family, acknowledging that you have in fact EARNED that money and can be proud of the work itself, or seeing it as an important step toward the life you plan to live down the road-- making that shift allows us to form a positive relationship with both our earning potential and our current job.

And once we intentionally add that bit of positive energy to our paycheck, it gets ten times easier to be positive about our finances and the budget that results from that paycheck. It may not be as much as we want to earn, it may not be the kind of work we want to do-- there are so many reasons to be resentful or unhappy. Once we begin to focus our energy and our attention on the things we like and can be proud of, we find that the shame recedes. We become more attuned to the possibilities that may have been there all along. We understand that this may be the end of what we had before-- but that is because it is only the beginning of what we will have in our lives next.

The more you can do to see these new beginnings as positive ones, the easier it will be to enjoy them, and to be encouraged by the possibilities and opportunities they bring. They may not be the outcomes and opportunities we planned on five years ago. Which means they may actually become something better.

Shame gets in the way. We tend to close down, stagnate, get stuck or get depressed and overwhelmed when our primary emotion is shame. Look for that one positive thing-- or even two or three-- that make your current situation okay. Those realizations or understandings about how you got here or what you plan to do now that you are here that will let you see past the shame and the fear. Once you've cleared the way, open to possibility. Make a new plan, and incorporate your new knowledge, your new budget, your new hopes and dreams into that plan.

As an example of how this works, I have a good friend who recently called me to share the good news: She has $7.00 in her bank account. And she is genuinely excited about this. To her, this represents another month in which she managed to pay all her bills without overdrawing the account. It represents success, and willpower, and a solid income, however slight. And she had even more good news to share. Her birthday is coming up, so a bunch of her friends have plans to take her out to dinner. Rather than all go at once, she's asked them to take her out one at a time. She'll get to spend a really meaningful evening with each of the people she most appreciates in her life-- and many of her meals will be paid for, allowing that $7.00 to stretch another couple of weeks until she gets paid again.

She could be in tears-- no money to spend on something frivolous for her birthday, a lower income than most women her age and with her education earn, barely scraping by from month to month, and it probably won't get any better for a while. But instead, she's found the things that she feels good about in the situation. She didn't resort to using credit cards. She didn't overdraw that account. She proved to herself that she has the discipline live on this income if she must. And unlike the last six months she spent job-hunting, she does have an income. All these wonderful realizations allowed her to overcome her shame at being so poor and having a job that doesn't make use of her education and skills. She was even able to look for opportunities to make her birthday something special; opportunities to make her tiny budget stretch even further. And she found them. I have to say I'm excited to hear about that $7.o0, too.

Feeling Green

2009-08-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

I enjoy a monthly Journaling Group comprised of fellow healers, counselors, and educators. This year, we've chosen to learn more about energy. How it inhabits the body, and carries memories or emotional imprints in the form of patterned behaviors, much as energy from a battery follows a proscribed circuit of wires. We're looking for ways to rewire, to learn new and healthier behaviors and responses.

With so much information and wisdom available on the topic, we've decided to start by learning and writing about each of the seven primary Chakras, and their basic function in maintaining or healing our life energy patterns. We've decided to look more closely at the connection between energy and story. Chakras are defined as biophysical energy centers in the body, first explored and named by East Indian philosophers and healers over four thousand years ago.

As I work-- and write-- my way up through the Chakras, I've noticed some profound changes in my own relationship to energy. Energy, according to both secular and spiritual sources, fills all living things. In fact, we are made up of energy. Hearing the stories and "ah-hah!" moments of my Journaling peers has also reminded me that we each have the opportunity to combine our energy and our willpower and change the way we live-- change our life story. This was particularly apparent in our most recent Journaling session about Fourth Chakra.

But first, let me recap:
In our first meeting several months ago, we focused on the energy of First Chakra. Located at the base of the spine, this energy point in the body is related to one's sense of security, both physical and emotional. As the "Root" Chakra, this is where we draw most of our energy, find our balance, and work through our day-to-day needs and challenges. The Root Chakra is most often associated with a deep red color.

Second Chakra, or Sacral Chakra, is located below the belly button. The energy of this Chakra relates to our emotional health, sensual self-awareness, and comfort with self. It is considered the "Relationship" Chakra, and in journaling about it with the group, I recognized all over again just how common it is for women to be blocked or uncomfortable with this particular kind of energy in our bodies. Heck, most women I know (and many men as well) are just uncomfortable with their bodies, regardless of the kind of energy involved.

Third Chakra is the personal power and creative life force energy center in the body. It is located over our solar plexus, below our ribs. The color most often associated with this Chakra Energy is yellow. For many of us, this is the most functional of our Chakras simply because there are fewer risks involved in acknowledging our creative energies. We like to paint, or sing, or dance. We see that each person has unique strengths and unique personalities.

This brings us to the Fourth Chakra-- Heart Chakra. This is the month my Journaling Group has chosen to focus on our Heart Chakra, which just happens to be green. It is the center of the seven Chakras, providing a link between upper and lower energies. In our group, we talked about different meanings and representations of the Fourth Chakra's energy in the world. I was surprised to learn that it represents both healing energy and wealth. Deep self-knowledge, as well as the ability to reach out to others. Forgiveness, understanding, and bringing into harmony that which is separate. It relates to generosity, prosperity, imagination, and willpower.

Sitting with the group, I realized it's been a long time since I saw those words together in one sentence-- generosity and prosperity. Imagination and willpower. And in examining my reaction to the idea that love and money might be connected in some positive way, I began to understand just how deeply scarred our relationship with money has become. We often think it controls us, and we begin to fear taking risks and trying new things as a reaction to our perceived lack of control. Many of us are so desperate to find or earn or win enough money to feed our family or avoid foreclosure, more money, any money at all... That we've forgotten how important our own awareness and energy is to the process of creating or maintaining our own well-being. We've forgotten both how to give and how to receive with integrity and intention rather than with fear.

We have forgotten how many forms generosity can take. We have forgotten that prosperity is about something more than money-- but that money is a vital ingredient in maintaining health. Yes-- Money, like healing medicines, promotes HEALTH! The green energy of healing, of the Heart Chakra, is the same energy we can use to change our relationship with money from that of despair and exhaustion to that of determination and awareness. It's a daunting suggestion, but one of the few I've found that acknowledges our personal power to create positive change in our own economic situations. Maybe if enough Heart Chakras are unblocked and strengthened, we can extend that healing of individual financial outlooks and reclaiming of individual dreams and goals to that of our economy as a whole.

As our Group Facilitator pointed out, "At the essential center of Heart Chakra is the statement, 'the story must be healed.'"

Foundations

2009-04-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

I've been working to strengthen my Root Chakra lately. (Strength is important-- particularly when you've got a cat lying on your arms and you're trying to type.) It has been a roller-coaster couple of weeks, and the timing for having my Root Chakra nice and strong couldn't be better.

The Root Chakra, by the way, is the one in charge of our connection with the Earth, our sense of security and belonging, our financial and physical well-being, our safety, our solidity in whatever we are trying to accomplish with our lives, and our groundedness. (is that a word?) Each chakra also has a specific "human right" attached to it. For the Root Chakra, you have the right to be here; and the right to have.

Calamity comes in all shapes and sizes, and a bunch of my dear friends have been faced with one calamity or another in the past week or two. It's a relief to support them all without having to also feel all their pain for them. At this point, I've done enough work as a Life Coach to be able to separate what *I* am feeling on my own behalf from what I am feeling on SOMEONE ELSE'S behalf.

And so I was tired from all the energy I (gladly) used in support of my friends and my clients coping with life-crisis stuff... but I wasn't emotionally overwhelmed or incapacitated by all the grief. And I'm really proud of myself for that. I'm also really proud of my clients and my friends for allowing themselves to be supported by their community when faced with a tough situation. Nobody should face their personal challenges, their grief, or their fears alone. Allow the loved ones in your life to love you back. Friendship is a two-way street.

In working with my Root Chakra over the past few weeks, I realized that many of us-- particularly those of us with families to support-- spend our lives working really hard to make other people look good, and help other people (or children) achieve their dreams/goals/successes. Sometimes we end up not really believing we have a right to our own success, or to use our skills and experiences and abilities to make OURSELVES look good. We don't realize that the right to have also applies to us. No wonder it's so hard sometimes to find a good supportive relationship, or a job we love that also pays the bills-- We don't feel like we deserve it!

I've made a point of focusing on my Root Chakra, and being grounded in my right to have, for a few minutes every day. And I can feel the difference. I'm a lot better grounded than I was a few weeks ago. I'm slowly re-claiming my own rights and my own opportunities. Thank goodness, considering all the challenges that have come up.

My hope for you is that you also allow yourself to be here, and to have the situations in your life that make you feel secure. Take some time out to light a candle on your hearth, or go for a walk in the trees and the rocks and the hills-- and think about your connection to the Earth, and to creating your own home-grown sense of security.

OH-- and for those of you suffering from mild to moderate seasonal allergies? I finally bought some freeze-dried nettle leaf capsules and they are SO controlling my allergies with NO side effects!!! (Though I can't predict what'll happen if you take them, they might be worth trying.) They even cost less than the Alavert and the Cleratin I usually take. YAY for uninterrupted sleep!! That and nutritious food and healthy physical activity are the three legs that form the tripod of good Root Chakra health. It's all about creating solid foundations to use as a basis for growing dreams and making them come true.

Welcoming Changes

2009-03-25T12:49:00.001-07:00

I recently realized that each new social context we inhabit has its own special set of unspoken rules. And that it can take quite a while for us to figure out just what it means to hold hands in a given situation-- when we don't have anybody telling us what those new rules are, or how they apply.

I think this kind of confusion comes up a lot in new dating situations-- Do you hold hands with all your female friends, or am I special? Did you kiss me because it was New Years or because you want to start a committed relationship with me? And what did those kisses mean to me?? Are you giving me a ride home because this was a date, or because it's raining and I walked, and you're just nice like that? How many people do you date, or kiss, or give rides to at any given time? Do all your friends already know that about you, or am I the only one whose shocked?

It also comes up in new work environments, when we move to a new city or state, even when we ride our bicycles in some part of town we haven't experienced this way before. The boss says our team is all about feedback and personal growth, and everything is a two-way street... Does that mean he's open to hearing my suggestions about things he could do better as a boss? My neighbor invited me out to a bar with some of her friends, and I showed up in heels and a slinky tank top... everyone else is wearing sweatshirts and jeans...

It can be a real challenge to navigate all those unspoken expectations, or to have the courage (and foresight!) to ask questions about those unvoiced norms in a new situation. Often, we put our foot in it, feel stupid, worry that we'll never fit in. Sometimes we even give up and go back to what is familiar and easy-- whether it's healthy and helpful to our personal goals or not.

I have a good friend whose spent most of her life moving from place to place for her work every couple of years. She tells me it takes her a minimum of six months to start making friends and find all the right places to buy her groceries and take her dog to the Vet. Six months of feeling like an outsider. But she keeps going with her plans, and asks questions when she has the courage (and a likely resource person to ask)... Eventually she doesn't want to ever leave her new home, and the friends she has here, because it has actually become a home.

And from my own experiences with picking up and moving someplace new, I've learned to view moving as an opportunity to set new standards for myself. Nobody in the new place knows that I never vacuum. So if I suddenly start vacuuming every Tuesday night after work, nobody is going to give me a hard time about it. Nobody knows I never invite friends over for dinner... and I've always wanted to... Change your hair style or try wearing bold colors instead of beige at work-- nobody's going to comment because they don't know it's a big change. They don't have any set expectations of who you are or how you go about living your life.

Nobody in the new place knows I used to be an awesome golfer who spent every evening on the golf course (I'm borrowing this example from a friend), so if I decide to take up water skiing instead, I can start from scratch, and nobody here will expect me to already be an accomplished athlete, or will worry when they learn I'm only golfing once a month now. A new place is a chance to find that new grocery store with even BETTER organic produce than the one you always shopped at before. It's a great opportunity to live better and be someone you always wanted to be-- even if it's deciding not to do something. Not seeking out all the local bars since there's nobody to give you a hard time if you don't show up for a pint or three after work.

At least for me and a few of the people I've asked, it is often easier to start a new habit or break an old one when you don't have anybody whose good opinion you value more than life itself watching and worrying over your shoulder. It was easier to relax and learn to drive with the nameless driving instructor at school than it was with Mom holding the break lever in her left hand and jerking it every time I forgot to push on the clutch.

Life is all about change. And while I know that familiarity-- old friends, dad's cooking, the way you always hit the ball over the fence, or that one bar where everyone knows your name-- that's important and worthwhile... Sometimes finding new ways of being opens the door to Abundant Living in a way we hadn't even known was possible before. Sometimes setting a standard for how we want to be treated in our next relationship, or choosing to take that dance class that none of our old friends was interested in trying-- It brings a depth and a beauty to our lives that we didn't even know we were missing.

Hey, it's Spring-- Everything is growing, and changing, and blooming, and pushing out little green shoots of something new in places it's never grown before. Maybe it's time for you to give Change a chance, and see what good things pop up in your life.

Natural Processes

2009-03-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

So February was the month of the Cat Scare. March? March is, apparently, the month of the flu. As in, I caught it, and here we are ten days later, and I'm still not fully recovered. And I'm tired of it. Seriously. I have a life I'd like to be living-- or at least pursuing.

So I decided to pretend I was all better, in the hopes that believing would make it true, and because my parents were going to be in town for a visit, and I wanted to enjoy their company.

We decided to check out the Da Vinci exhibit. And it's pretty cool. They've recreated a few pages from his personal notebooks, one of which explores the way that a planet and a sun affect the light on another planet. VERY COOL to see that!! And they've rebuilt a bunch of the machines and concepts of flight, motion, and energy into little wooden examples-- with the same tools and materials that Da Vinci himself would have had access to. And you even get to play with some of the gears!! There are reproductions of his sketches and studies of the human body. And a whole room devoted to his painting, particularly the Mona Lisa.

Da Vinci was a pretty cool frood, really. He believed that we could learn to do anything that could be done in nature by observing how Nature does it. And so he spent hours and days and months observing the way birds fly, the way people exert force on a lever, the way toes are made to wiggle through their attachment to bone with fine sinews and fibers that direct movement. For Da Vinci, Mother Nature was the ultimate teacher, and he devoted a lifetime to Her lessons.

A room full of musical instruments and war machines later, and I was barely shuffling along, trying to put one foot in front of the other. I actually fell asleep in the restaurant over lunch, I was so exhausted by the outing. Three hours of standing around, and I slept the rest of the day and a full ten hours last night. I'm ready to have my energy back. I'm just not sure how to get it.

Well, to paraphrase Da Vinci's classification of people, there are those who understand, those who can be taught to understand, and those who will never understand.
...I'm learning.

Ways of Being

2009-02-24T11:02:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this weekend. We talked about the difference between having goals to work toward, and working on new ways of being in the world. She had a pretty convincing argument, so I thought I'd share.

We often talk about our latest goals, or the goal we are focusing on in the moment. Somehow, this places not only our efforts but also our accomplishments outside of ourselves. If you want to earn top ratings in your company this quarter-- whatever your company rates-- that's a goal.

It's you working on something totally separate from your SELF, and with both a goal and a reward that are pretty impersonal. They might give you a year-end bonus that you can spend on a trip to Maui or something... but they don't really change who you are or how hard you'll have to work next quarter if you want the same results. Losing weight, getting up earlier-- these feel like similar goals. Things you can measure by looking at the scale or the clock or the nightly news. Looking outside yourself for both expectation and outcome.

Ways of being are harder to measure, harder to change-- and yet when we do improve our way of being, every aspect of our life gets a little bit easier, clearer, more functional. Several years ago, I wanted to change my way of being-- I wanted to be healthy. And I really examined what that meant for me. How I would be in the world, and what about my lifestyle or my thought process or my daily activities needed to change in order for me to live in a way that feels healthy to me. And to be honest, I'm still working on it.

I wanted to be pain-free in my body most days. I wanted to be able to lift moving boxes and heavy bags of kitty litter without hurting myself. I wanted to feel that I had a chance of defending myself from harm if I were ever attacked in a dark parking lot at night.

I wanted to feel connected to the Earth. I wanted to be connected to my own feelings and intuition so that I could USE them to keep myself healthy, safe, sane. I wanted to respect myself enough to pay attention to my needs, and work on meeting them. I wanted to get rid of my adult acne, and keep up with my friends on long hikes in the hills without complaint. These, to me, were the measuring sticks of my improved way of being. If I could do these things, I'd be living the life I want to live-- the way I want to be in the world.

So I took time to examine my lifestyle, and look for things I could do with very little money and no health insurance-- to improve my way of being healthy in the world. I started meditating. I read about the root chakra that is our connection to our physical body, to the earth, and to our internalized messages of security and sturdiness. I bought essential oil of clove to help me meditate on my root chakra and improve my sense of groundedness, my sense of security, my awareness of my SELF and my physical needs.

I started walking a couple of times a week, looking at trees and birds and clouds when I walked. And I tried to change my sleeping habits so that I got a fairly reliable seven hours of sleep a night. Then eight. Then nine. I really feel rested if I get nine hours of sleep a night. I don't always manage it. And I know most people don't need that much. But I do. And I'm learning to respect my body's needs and my self enough to acknowledge what I need in order to be healthy. I also realized I had formed an unhealthy dependency on pain killers and sleeping pills to manage my pain from an old car accident.

Usually, we do need those pills for a little while, but at some point, we either need to heal the pain, or find non-chemical forms of pain-management and sleep-management. Some folks do legitimately need medicine, and if you need it? TAKE IT. But so many more of us take meds we don't need because it is easier than dealing with the problem that the meds help us ignore. I decided to consult a doctor on the healthiest way to reduce my dependence on my particular prescription medicines. I knew it would be dangerous to stop cold-turkey. Then, I cut my dose by 1/3 on a Friday, so I'd have the weekend to cope. The next Friday, I cut the daily dose in half. And because I was so cranky by then, I told a few people what I was doing so they wouldn't take my attitude personally.

I stayed at that level of dosage for almost a month. This wasn't about meeting a goal. This was about finding ways to be healthy. So I didn't have a set timeline. Instead, I waited until I wasn't so scared by the side effects I had with reducing my dosage. I picked a time when I knew I didn't have to do any driving or anything important for four or five days in a row. And I had some non-chemical pain-management options ready to use.

I started on those new things the first day. I stopped taking pills the second day, with an over-the-counter pain med just to ease myself into it a little more. By the third day, I was using pain management techniques, an no pills. By the fifth day, I felt better than I had in years.

I'm still working on the acne. Managing it requires overcoming my addiction to sugar-foods. I like chocolate and ice cream and and and and too much to let go easily or quickly. But I'm also proud of the progress I've made in listening to my body's needs, and maintaining some sort of regular exercise. And when I exercise, I listen to my body so I don't over-do or re-injure myself. If I start to feel tired, I take iron pills and vitamin C and garlic. I try to manage my body temperature, and give my body extra sleep and extra water to help fight off any virus germs. I'm not sick nearly as often as I used to be. And I feel more alive. More connected to the Earth and to myself. I even keep up with my friends when we hike.

I guess improving my health wasn't so much a goal as a way of being in the world. It wasn't about crazy diets or binge exercising. It wasn't about denying myself or punishing myself. It was about getting to know myself better, and then making informed decisions. It was about learning to accept what my body needs to be healthy-- and not what I think it should need, should look like, should do for me. It was about learning to be compassionate-- at least about my health-- with my SELF. And it's one of the hardest lessons for a person to learn. To be good to themselves, without punishment, judgment, or unhappy indulgence.

Be compassionate with your body. Honor your feelings. They are trying to tell you something important about your well-being in the world. Find those connection points between you, and the universe at large. They do exist. Isolation is only ever self-imposed. The grass really is greener on the other side.

2009-01-29T14:22:00.001-08:00

The Vet let me take my kitty home last night, with some pain medicine and a vague hope that maybe she'd eat something once she wasn't in pain anymore.

So I was hopeful. Until the Vet called this morning. The final test came back, and it turns out her white blood cell count is horribly low. So We made an appointment to take her back into the doctor's for another test. This one was to see if she had either feline leukemia or kitty AIDS. Those being the most likely reasons for a low white blood cell count, apparently.

Apparently, she was also much calmer about getting her blood drawn this time around. And it only took ten minutes to get the test results back. She is evil illness-free, as far as we can tell. Luckily, it is NEITHER feline leukemia NOR kitty HIV. Unluckily, we still don't know what it IS. I have strict instructions from my Vet (who also owns a tortie) to call her with updates.

And LUCKILY, I have a very wonderful update to report. As soon as we got home, she got out of the cat carrier, wandered over to the wet food that has been sitting hopefully in my room for the past few hours, and licked it a few times before wandering back to her blanket in front of the space heater. FOOD!!! She ate a bite of FOOD!!! That's more than she's eaten of her own volition in three days! WAHHOOOO!!!!

And I have finally got some hope back that she'll recover from this insane trip of hers.
Thanks for all your good thoughts, everyone. We both needed them for a while. Maybe we still do. But at the moment, Abbigale is curled up on my bed in the sun pretending that her little fore-arm isn't shaved and listening carefully, just in case I venture over to the pain medicine again. Because, well, she REALLY LIKES that pain medicine.

So, basically, the only thing we know for sure is that she had some really painful gas, stopped eating, got really dehydrated, and is now hooked on pain killers. Not necessarily in that order. Life can be such a trip. ...sigh.

Loving Abbigale

2009-01-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

My cat is in the Animal Hospital today. They're trying to figure out why she stopped eating and drinking two days ago, why her chest hurts, why she has a build-up of gas, why she's been puking and other grossness for the last 24 hours, at both ends. And how to make it all better.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to cope. She is a fixture in my life. She is one of my best friends, and my life-companion. She is only ten years old. And if she needs surgery to remove an obstruction in her bowels, I'm not sure I can pay for it.

I'm trying to figure out how to make my situation go away. How to have a job, or another credit card, so that I could have a hope of paying for this. I'm trying to figure out how I got so desperate financially that I would even consider NOT getting this $800-$2000 surgery for my Abbigale. I'm looking into donations from animal-rescue organizations. I'm looking into my credit card totals to see how bad they really are. I'm looking into payment plans. My vet is looking into some possible other cause for her illness.

I'm trying to cope with my sudden reality that I've already spent $600 on her medical care today, and that I really don't want to wake up without her tomorrow... and that it costs less to put my best friend to sleep than to heal her... but even that would be expensive. I'm really trying to cope with reality, but failing.

Because the reality is that she is my one ability to keep coping with my life. She gives me a reason to get up (even if it's a half-hour earlier than I wanted to get up), and she helps me sleep at night. She loves me unconditionally, and forgives me for being selfish and stupid from time to time. Nobody else does that. How can I weigh her life against something as stupid as two or three months' worth of rent payments.

I have some wonderful wonderful human friends-- and some of them have really been there for me when I've been in tight spots at various times. But believe me-- I've spent more time being content because SHE was content to be with me than I have just happy on my own account. So here it is.

The last few shreds of hope I have are that maybe the problem is something that can actually be fixed without surgery... or that I won the lottery last week and just don't know it yet. Because as much as I want the opportunity to earn my way-- I'm going to feel like shit if I get a good-paying day job within a few days or weeks of putting her to sleep for lack of funds.

I know that my desires are purely selfish here-- the desire to keep her alive, and the desire not to go into debt to do so. And I've realized, that as much as it's going to hurt-- whatever the outcome-- what I really want is for her to know I love her, and for her not to suffer. Whatever that means, I think I can make my peace with it. Eventually. After the heart-hurt eases a bit, and the empty spot starts to heal. I know I'm never going to fill her place in my heart.

Today, I'm just sitting around waiting for news, researching dead-end financial options and grant moneys for emergency pet care, and crying. At least, after I made the vet appointment last night, she and I had the whole night to lay together and cuddle on the bed. And even though she had to get off the bed to vomit and have diareah about five or six times, she always made her way back up to where she could sleep on my arm, curled into my side.

God, Goddess, please let her live.

Getting to know yourself...

2009-01-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

It's an interesting challenge, slowing down long enough to make friends with ourselves. Usually, when we get into stressful situations at work or in our marriages, we try to ignore them by being too busy to care. We are often so afraid that the situation that is "going wrong" is somehow our fault. Nobody wants to be the bad guy.

So we hide from this imagined truth by adding more activities and commitments into our day. We take on more responsibilities, and we try to be "everything for everyone" in a few more peoples' lives. We watch more TV, and we stay up too late so we aren't awake enough to lie in bed and actually THINK before we go to sleep. We don't want to know.

We don't want to know our marriage is failing, or our work situation is unhealthy, or that our eating habits have brought us to this situation where we hate our bodies and indulge in comfort foods to feel better about everything. My dad doesn't want to know he has Alzheimer's. So after the first three tests came back clean, he decided he's FINE, and has refused any more tests.

With Alzheimer's, you keep doing the same tests over time to show deterioration of faculties, memory, etc. And it's a process of elimination. You take tests for everything else, and when you don't have any of the other diseases that involve memory issues, you have Alzheimer's. But my dad doesn't want to have that disease, so he tells me he's too busy to keep taking all those tests. And they cost a lot, too.

I find that we often use the family budget as another reason to let the status quo remain. We worry that being divorced, we wouldn't have enough money to support ourselves (and our children, if we have them). We worry that our partner wouldn't be able to take care of him or herself-- either physically or money-wise, or even emotionally-- if we weren't there with them.

The truth is that we are enabling unhealthy situations. My dad's mind is worth spending money to preserve. It's easy to make choices about our lives by refusing to act, by refusing to pay attention. And yet, by refusing to take responsibility for our own happiness, our own fulfillment, our own future... We are being complicit in our own suffering.

And what we THINK we would know about ourselves if we actually stopped to think about it-- stopped to look at ourselves clearly-- isn't always the reality. Maybe the marriage just needs more attention, and maybe if we stopped to notice what was missing, we could find a way to add it into the relationship. We could actually improve our marriage instead of ending it. We could actually value ourselves enough to make a healthier choice about our bodies or our food or our embodied stress or our right to be treated with respect.

Getting to know yourself is different from sitting down for a hate-fest of self-abuse and self-recrimination. That is called a pity-party. And it can be very destructive to sit and dwell on all the things we THINK are wrong with ourselves-- over and over again.

I'm talking about getting to know yourself. Looking past all the stories you've told (or been told) about how unkind, inconsiderate, passionless, closed-minded, stupid, fat, etc etc etc we supposedly are. Looking at our lives without the drama for a few minutes. You went to school, and did well there. You are a wage-earner for the family. You budget well with the money you have. There may not always be enough money, but your budgeting is not at fault for that. You are loving and you put others' needs before your own MORE often than is actually healthy for you-- and there is nothing selfish or self-centered about that. You value your friends. You have tons of awesome skills, and a really great sense of humor. You are worth knowing.

Often, the foods we eat (or don't eat) when we are feeling bad about ourselves and our lives are not indulgences-- they are punishments. We try to punish ourselves for "failing" by giving ourselves reasons to be unhappy with our choices. Eating too much, eating unhealthy foods, refusing to eat anything at all. We express our discontent by contributing to our own physical deterioration, as a punishment for being imperfect. For being human.

And the truth is that we are all human. That perfection is boring. That there are valid solid serious reasons to love and appreciate each person on this earth-- including you. Do you kill for fun? Do you have a spare-closet-full of expensive clothing you've never even de-tagged so you could wear it? Do you eat puppies for breakfast and drink the blood of virgin sacrifices for dessert? Do you tell evil lies about your coworkers to get them fired? I think not.

What does your mental picture of a good, likeable person look like? Don't think about you for a minute here-- I know you've got that ready list of dislikes in your back pocket, and we're circumventing those for the moment. Jumping right past them without looking down. What are traits you value in your friends and/or mentors? Write a list of things you appreciate in real-live people around you. Yes, we like Mother Theresa for her selfless life... but it's hard to say what made her likeable as a person if you didn't actually know her personally.

Remember to add in those silly jokes your son makes just in time to break (or distract) family tensions-- the ones that keep everyone from arguing about who spent more on the credit cards this month. Remember how much you enjoy that one friend who says outrageous things and makes you laugh. Remember the guy at work who ALWAYS brings his lunch, and then gives his cookie to the girl at the front desk. Remember that the things that make a person lovable aren't always super-human.

Have your list? Okay. Now, add five numbered spaces at the bottom. Here is where I want you to pull out the "what I hate about me" list from your back pocket. What five things about yourself are you most annoyed or disappointed by? What do you most wish you could change about yourself? What do you spend the most time being angry or disappointed in yourself about? Just put down five that you're really dwelling on this week. We numbered the spaces because you have to pick five. Not six.

Don't agonize over this. It's an exercise in getting perspective. This is not the list that God will use to decide if you are worthy of heaven. (I don't mean to be flippant or derogatory-- and I don't mean to be exclusively Christian. I'm giving you perspective on making your list of five things you wish you could change about yourself.)

Now take that list (the list of things you'd like to be, and the things you think you are) to a few folks who love you, and who you trust to be brutally honest with you anyway. Ask them how this list compares to the way they see you. Trust their responses. Trust that THIS IS HOW YOU COME ACROSS TO OTHERS. You may be shocked to discover how many good traits people already think you possess. How strongly they disagree with your list of five negatives about yourself. You may notice how badly out of proportion you've blown these supposed faults of yours, and how little credit you've given yourself for your accomplishments and good traits.

Our self-awareness, our ability to see ourselves and judge our own merit realistically often gets thrown off-center. The more we dwell on our short-comings, the more our minds turn them into monsters. We may occasionally indulge in a latte or a new pair of winter shoes. This does not make us spend-a-holics. We may occasionally express a preference to our spouse. That does not make us selfish or mean.

In fact, it's pretty hard to be self-confident and proactive about our lives if we don't know what we do and don't want-- if we fail to have preferences and set healthy boundaries for ourselves and our interactions with others. If we don't know who we are, nor acknowledge what we are capable of. Self-confident successful men and women have opinions and a strong sense of purpose. They have goals, and they succeed because they make decisions and take actions accordingly.

We can be considerate of our partners and coworkers without being subservient-- without being slaves to their preferences and opinions. We can be gentle and loving without basing our lives on the premise that we are here to make someone else happy. The only person who can make you happy is you. The only person who can make your grumpy coworker happy is your coworker. It's okay to ask for-- or offer-- help. It's okay to have bad days. We all do. But it's vital that we don't give away our power to make positive changes in our own lives.

It's vital that we acknowledge our own success, our own skills and abilities. It's vital that we befriend ourselves enough to forgive--and learn from-- the occasional mistake. Would you expect of your most loved and respected mentor or friend the perfection and strict adherence to certain "rules" that you expect of yourself in your daily life? Maybe it's time to be your own friend. To give yourself a break, and acknowledge all the things you actually do right.

You are an amazing person. Take a few minutes to slow down and find out why the people you appreciate also appreciate YOU. And then decide if your marriage is over or your work situation is hopeless or if you don't deserve to have nice friends. Maybe all you need are some tools to help you take responsibility for meeting your own needs, expressing your own truth, reclaiming your own power to make positive changes in each of these situations.

Get to know yourself. You're worth appreciating.

Tools for Survival

2008-12-15T15:21:00.000-08:00

A healthy relationship takes work. It takes figuring out how to enjoy time together-- and how to appreciate time spent doing your own thing. Believe it or not, you don't have to do everything --or agree about everything-- with your life partner. In fact, it's healthier to have some activities that you share with your friends, or do on your own. It's healthy to have your own opinion and your own personal goals.

However cliche the sentiment, we really do have to learn to appreciate, respect, and like ourselves before we can ask others to like and respect us. It's hard to learn these things after having been in your partnership (or marriage) for a while. Watching the relationship deteriorate over time is painful, and we often don't want to put any more effort into fixing it or making it work by the time we figure out what went wrong.

One of my favorite relationship survival concepts comes from a great book called "The Five Love Languages." Basically, we each feel loved in a unique way. And because of the way we were brought up to express love in our families-- or the way that we most feel loved ourselves-- we often express the love we feel for our partner in specific pre-programmed ways. Here's the catch: Most of the time, your partner doesn't feel loved in the same way you do.

You may spend a lot of time and energy doing nice things for your partner to show that you care-- things like cooking dinner and giving foot rubs and keeping the kids busy so he or she can have a few hours of quiet on the weekend. But what if your partner needs to hear the words? Maybe the way your partner feels loved is by hearing you tell him or her how much you love them, and how they are special and important in your life. All that effort you put in didn't get you anywhere. It's easy to feel resentful. It's easy to stop trying. But it's also easy to try something different, and save our efforts for the ones that really make a difference.

Sometimes, we understand that a specific act or statement is our partner's way of showing us they care. But if that effort they made isn't actually in our special love language, we still don't feel that fulfillment of being in a loving and rewarding relationship. Sometimes all the loving and appreciative words in the world aren't enough to fix the problem-- because the problem is that your partner feels loved when you give him or her gifts, or perform acts of service like doing the dishes without being asked.

One of the best things we can do to maintain our most important relationships is to figure out not only how WE feel loved, but the language of love that our partner most clearly benefits from. Then, we make an effort to give our partner a dose of love in a way they can really appreciate-- on a regular basis. Building up a store-house of received love means that when times are tough, and we don't have energy or emotional stamina to be loving, there's love-money in the bank for us to draw on for a while. Our partner can be loving and supportive of us without feeling like they are being drained or sucked dry in the process.

It's about maintenance, and compassion. And these two tools have to be utilized by both people in the relationship over the lifetime of the relationship. Unfortunately, as simple as these tools sound, we often aren't taught about them when we enter the big relationships of our lives. We don't know how to say what we need without making demands. We don't know how to be compassionate without enabling or becoming codependent.

Another book whose concepts I draw from on a regular basis is called "Truth in Dating." This book describes-- and gives examples of-- honest communication in a relationship. I've used some of the skills this book spelled out for me in business meetings, and in trying to communicate with the elders in my family tree. I've used them in ending a dating relationship with someone I really liked and respected-- but didn't want to date anymore. And I've gained a much clearer understanding of how to talk to the people I love without trying to manipulate the outcome of the conversation. With direct and open communication about my needs and expectations in the relationship, and how I'm willing to support my partner in his own personal growth process.

We each are capable of growing and gaining additional tools for making our relationships even better. And every time I get to work with a person or a couple who really care about improving the quality of their relationship-- of their communication with the people they love-- I'm excited by the reminder that there are so many people out there who feel their love is worth working for. Is worth the effort it takes to make that relationship even better.

It takes work to maintain your weight, it takes work to improve your physical fitness. It takes weeks of putting in effort at work to receive a reward or promotion. Relationships are no different. They take work, they take effort, and positive results don't happen overnight. But the outcome is worth it. Even if all you gain is additional skill and better tools to give your next relationship a solid foundation.

Be Well, and with the advent of our glorious winter season,
Happy Everything!

Mistaken Identity

2008-11-15T10:31:00.000-08:00

I am reminded of just how hard it can be to recall situations in which our own behavior might have been the cause of a problem, and not the voice of reason. Situations that we wish we had handled with more maturity, more insight, more integrity. Sometimes, we use our mistakes as an excuse to feel bad, to be immobilized by past choices so that we don't have to make new ones. Sometimes, we ignore our role in the drama, forgetting that it takes at least two people to have an interaction. Sometimes, we simply forget that the event ever occurred at all.

It is easier to forget, or fail to identify our role in our own suffering and dis-ease, than it is to work through our own contributions to a situation, and find new tools and apply new knowledge or new skills to making it right in the here and now. Hindsight is often 20/20, as the saying goes. But there's more to it than that. As with the alcoholic's 12-step program that includes a stage of making amends with past wrongs-- personal healing for ANY past transgression requires that we acknowledge and make peace with our own behavior and fear and choices and mistakes.

Sometimes this includes sharing our new awareness with the people we negatively affected in the past. Often, it is more a matter of re-visioning current choices and awareness in light of what has come before.

Did you know you had food allergies? No? Do you know it now? So if someone tries to impress you by serving a food you are terribly allergic to, you can have a new reaction than the one that so hurt your partner ten years ago when you rejected not only the food that made you ill, but every food that person offered you for the rest of your weekend together. And the person ended up feeling rejected in the process.

It is not wrong to protect yourself from illness. But it is more right to say to your partner, "I've recently tested for food allergies, and discovered that I have several. I don't like to make a big deal out of it, so there is no way you could have known I'm allergic to XYZ. I really feel loved that you did all this for me. I'm really going to enjoy ABC that are here on the table, too. Thank you!"

The first time I ever had a panic attack, I didn't know what one was. I'd never seen one, felt one, or heard a story in which the label was followed by a description of symptoms. I was 19, and I was alone with my first boyfriend in a cabin in the Alaskan Wilderness. I thought I was experiencing food poisoning, which I also didn't know much about. And I blamed my boyfriend, who'd packed the food.

Now, looking back, I realize that many of our uncomfortable interactions that weekend following my racing heart, cold sweat, inability to speak with out shaking and stuttering, inability to catch my shallow breath, and absolute panic, were a result of the blame I placed on him for that poisonous moment. I realize now that it was a panic attack, and had nothing to do with the food. And I would like to go back and make a different choice with the knowledge and tools I now have.

But the thing is-- I didn't have that knowledge or those tools at the time!! I didn't even know that food often made me ill because I had food allergies and chemical sensitivities that had never been diagnosed. I was simply leery of new foods, or of any situation in which I felt ill after eating. So now, I can make a different choice. I can be aware of how foods and chemicals affect me sometimes, and I can check in with my body and my self-awareness to see if I'm feeling my tummy clench because of food, because of stress, because of an emotion I'm trying to repress, or for some other unknown reason. I don't have to make the same assumptions I made when I was 19 and scared of anything new.

Life moves forward. It is a beautiful thing when we can move forward with our lives. Acknowledging past mistakes, but also taking steps to improve our relationship with the world in the present-- and in the future. It is our work toward self-improvement that allows us to step away from guilt and isolation and a fear of choices and changes. By choosing to put in the hard work, by choosing to learn that we do have room for improvement, by taking steps forward with our behavior and our knowledge and our tools, we make amends for the problems we once created in our own and other peoples' lives. But we bring the lessons learned with us.

I know a lot of people who would rather not look back. Who believe that thinking about past times when things didn't go the way they wanted is a waste of the present. Who refuse to acknowledge any regrets. People who refuse to feel bad about any choice they make because they are too busy doing the best they can in any given present. These people have an amazing capacity for pleasure, and for happiness. But they live very transient lives.

We build a better future by creating a solid foundation of our past, and taking old lessons into current situations so that we build better with every new experience and every new joy we encounter. If we refuse to examine our past for clues to improving our present, we simply jump from situation to situation, and as soon as a situation looks difficult or painful, we leave it behind. No regrets, right? But no regrets mean no opportunities to change or improve our add to our interpersonal tools. I don't advocate walking around with a basket of guilt and pain on your back. And I don't recommend beating yourself up about things you have no control to fix or change. But abdicating responsibility for making yourself a better person-- abdicating responsibility for your own role in any given interaction-- it's selfish, and it's very short-term thinking. Really.

I believe that examining a pattern that we repeat can give us clues about WHY we repeat it, or what we are looking for when we get into those situations and relationships over and over again. Once we know more about why something uncomfortable happens over and over in our lives, we can re-vision our personal goals and needs. We can learn better and healthier ways to get what we want. We can begin to heal the wounds we often refuse to admit exist. We can move forward with more tools and greater self-knowledge, so that our next choice comes closer to actually reaching our long-term personal bliss.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a solid foundation for your hopes and dreams to build on? The best way to do that is to examine the bricks of experience you've already laid down, and to understand better and more skillful ways of applying your tools as you reach for your personal goal of happiness and fulfillment. True joy is based on a tripod of self-love, and self-knowledge, and self-respect. These things require of us that we know not only what we want in any given moment, but also how far we've already come to get it.

Battling Fear

2008-10-30T01:33:00.000-07:00

Every Wednesday night, I attend a writing group. I look forward all week to this event, excited to read my pages and hear the feedback from my peers and advisers. Every week, I am nearly late, frantically pulling together my pages, my final edits, my nerve-- and heading off to work.

And it is work. I am writing down some difficult memories, to be picked over as a stranger might do a cold plate of french fries after lunch. It is hard for me to visualize some past events with enough clarity to write them down so others can vicariously experience those events, too. Hard because I don't want to relive those times. Hard because old wounds heal slowly, and my flesh is still tender. The critiques are always helpful-- but sometimes they still hurt.

Driving home tonight, I realized I was shaking with the after-effects of fight-or-flight adrenaline. That primed response of our bodies in a state of sudden fear. It is scary to remember a time we never want to repeat. It is exhausting, and emotionally draining, too.

Why do I do this? Why do I keep writing, editing, returning every Wednesday night for another dose of dread? Well... I thought about that on my way home. I realized that the truth I share with my clients also applies to me. If I want to find the lessons that will help me move beyond a bad memory or experience, I have to work through the experience. I have to be willing to go piece-by-piece through my past, and throw out what isn't useful. Claim the lessons. Claim my inner strength, my integrity, my changes and the personal growth that I've experienced since those events occurred.

I am lucky. Writing is, for me, cleansing. Putting down on a page all the things I didn't want to forget, but hate to remember-- It lets me rest from the burden of remembering. It lets me put down the memory without fear of losing or repeating the lesson-- I can re-read it any time I feel a need. I am literally lightening my load at each Wednesday night Writer's Group. Freeing up mental and emotional space one jaw-clenching page at a time. Making room for something new.

Just after a car accident, we are in trauma. When the danger has past, and the person stabilized, there is often a long and painful period of physical therapy. A time when we re-learn how to inhabit our bodies, and work through the pain of healing. And so I look forward to these sessions, knowing I'll be exhausted and in pain at the end. Knowing that it's a good kind of pain, and not a punishment. Knowing that I am re-learning how to inhabit my emotional landscape, learning how best to lean forward into my life.

I have seen friends in crisis who were so scared of the pain they might feel if they acknowledged the hurtful situation they were in-- that they simply refused to get therapy. The fear of the healing process was bigger than the ugly situation they were actually living in. We seem, intuitively, to know just how painful it will be to work through our injuries and our traumas. And yet, so often, we turn a blind eye to the trauma or the situation that we live through every day instead.

Getting help, asking for someone to hold your hand and help you move through the pain toward a healthier life, it's a big deal. I have great respect for anyone who can battle their fear enough to ask for help-- to keep asking for help until they are well. Who uses that extra bit of energy that allows us to learn from old hurts, and old patterns, so that we don't repeat them. So that we understand our own personal process of healing, and are able to fully embrace our individual presence in the world.

Driving home from my Writer's Group tonight, I appreciated all over again the courage and the energy my clients put into their own healing process. I honor their victory and their commitment to becoming fully themselves. Their willingness to come back to the table every couple of weeks, ready for more hard work. And then I sit at my computer, and write another chapter in my own story, getting ready for next week's healing critique.

Funning

2008-10-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

This is going to sound like a commercial for Happyville.
Really, it's ...okay, it IS a commercial for Happyville.
May you be a frequent guest.

Remember that having fun is just as important as everything else. It is important to take time out from stress and from work-- time to do something just because you enjoy doing it.
Take a walk to appreciate the crisp air and the falling leaves.
Grab a half-court game of basketball with some buddies.
Cook that apple pie with extra cinnamon that takes so long to make.
Take some soup and a cheezy movie to a friend in need.
Try a new sport, or plan to carve pumpkins with family.
Schedule a massage, or maybe an hour at the gym or the dance hall.

These mini stress-releases make it a lot easier to buckle down and get things done in between. They also work well as personal rewards for continuing to move forward and tackle the hard stuff-- one day at a time.

When was the last time you planned something fun into your schedule? So long as you aren't having fun at someone else's expense-- at work, at play, at home, at dinner, at the gym, the bar, the ...

Including friends and potential friends in your fun is a way to spread the good feelings around. And... well, doing something you truly enjoy, with no expectations attached to it-- it gives you a reason to smile to yourself. And that is what the winter season is all about!

Personal Worth

2008-10-13T14:26:00.001-07:00

What is your time worth? What is the energy you put into your day worth?

Is it worth hearing the occasional "thank you" from house-mates or coworkers? Is it worth $20 an hour? $50? $10? If you were to receive funding equal to the actual value of your efforts in your job-- be it corporate, care-taking, or creative-- how much would you pay yourself to do what you do?

It's an interesting question. More so, because of the challenges many of us currently face as the job market plummets. We often make-do with work that does not fulfill our potential, or with a salary that does not reflect our contributions. We do this because we have a responsibility to ourselves and our families to provide shelter, food, and other basic necessities. Most of us cannot afford to be laid off or downsized.

And many of us feel that our time is SO valuable, and in SUCH short supply, that we will hire someone else to do the work for us that we just don't find it worthwhile to do. Sometimes, we hire someone who gets more per hour than we do. Often, this is because of the expertise required, or the effort involved, in that hour's work. We just aren't able to plumb the bathroom, lift the broken washing machine, scrub the floor 'till our knuckles turn red, or sit at an aging parent's bedside 24-7.

I often refer back to a book that a friend bought for me several years ago, when I first realized that credit cards were dangerous. It's called "Your Money or Your Life." I'd give you the author, but I seem to have loaned the book to a friend... hmmm...

This book explains how to calculate the actual dollar-payment that each of us receives for our efforts in the job market. It includes things like dry-cleaning bills, transportation costs, etc... And if you read far enough into the book, you apply that dollar-per-hour figure to your whole life. Is it worth 4 hours of my time to buy the expensive lipstick for $16.95? Is it worth 27 hours of work each month to watch cable TV?

On a personal level, I've been struggling with placing a dollar value on the work that I do as a Consultant. Not just the calculations, but the person-to-person communication that is required to explain that value to the people who utilize my services. Healing --the healing that I do with my clients-- is so vital to well-being. If I had the resources, I would offer it for free. But I realize that unless I can balance out the dollar-value of the things I need to buy with the dollar-value of the extreme amounts of energy I put out in any given session... I won't have the resources to heal anyone at all.

I do work on a sliding scale. And I recognize that it is my own responsibility to uphold the value of my services-- to say "Well, we've had our 90 minutes, but we could do a lot more work together today. Should we wait until our next session, or are you able to pay for another hour of my energy today?" But... it sounds so calculating. So disrespectful of the humanity that is the basis of the work I do. And I struggle with the challenge of truly valuing my own personal worth.

And... knowing that so many people currently struggle to make ends meet, I don't want my services to be unattainable. I'd rather receive a lower payment than make one of my clients wait another six months to see me-- when the market begins to improve. NOW is when my work is needed the most. NOW I have time to give. ...but as a good friend of mine is fond of saying... "A Girl's Gotta Eat." How do I balance that out?

I suspect that there are many of us who face a similar struggle. Many of us who have chosen to receive lower wages rather than risk receiving no wages at all. It frustrates me to know that even when the market was booming, women regularly faced this choice. In most professions, women can still expect to receive between 15-35% lower wages for the same or better quality performance as their male counterparts. I'll be interested to see how that challenge trickles down now that so many businesses are struggling.

And I am grateful for the opportunity to help. We do not face the struggles in our lives alone, unless that is the path we choose to take. Life is full of possibilities, and opportunities to share what we have with those who have less. Like the ant who shared his summer harvest with the grasshopper, in exchange for friendship and music to feed his soul when winter came, we each have within us the seeds of nourishment for someone else.

The challenge of the seed is to step forward with joy for the journey, at a time when none of us truly knows what lies ahead. The wise gardener plants many seeds, never knowing which will grow to nourish her family down the road. I am learning to value each seed, and to step forward with appreciation for the harvests I have already enjoyed.

And it is through this process-- the process of stepping forward blindly, because I am busy looking at where I have already been-- that I begin to appreciate the true value of my gifts. The true value of the energy I have expended in service to others over the years. The opportunity to plant seeds that might someday grow and provide nourishment for someone else-- that is the true value of my work. And at least in this, possibility is every bit as motivational as results.

I value you. Thank you for sharing a piece of your journey with me. May your Autumn Harvest see you through the restful Winter, and on into the fresh possibilities of Spring.

For Yourself

2008-10-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

Why is it that it is harder to say NO to someone you love-- or even a stranger-- than it is to say YES to yourself, and making time or designating resources to meeting our own needs??

Because for most of us, it is a really hard thing to do. I also know another group of folks who are so busy indulging themselves that they don't take the time to examine WHY they need all this self-time to feel good about living their lives. Either way, we are choosing not to have a deep and respectful relationship with our inner Self. We are choosing not to work through our life challenges, but are attempting to ignore the problems by working until we can't think, or by feeding our addiction to "feeling better," with whatever our personal external balm becomes.

Food? Doctor appointments? Pedicures? Sex? There are a huge number of things that are REALLY GOOD FOR US TO DO FOR OURSELVES... as an act of self-appreciation... but are just another way to throw money at a problem if we do not also make time to heal and to find that self-appreciation on the inside, too. It's a balancing act, and a personal challenge, for each of us.

My personal example is that I am working to heal an old neck injury. My doctor tells me that it is worth the extra few cents on my electrical bill to keep the heat turned up at night as well as during the day. That hunching and clenching my muscles either from cold, or from the weight of all the blankets on the bed, is one of the worst things I could do to my neck/shoulder as I am working to heal-- and probably for the rest of my life.

My personal challenge is twofold-- First, it's hard to set aside time for the yoga and exercises that will increase my flexibility and strength during this healing process of mine... and Second, I'm living in a space with no central heating.

I'm having a hard time justifying either the time to exercise or the expense of buying and continuously running a heater in my bedroom this winter. And yet, these are the two basic things that I can do for myself in order to truly heal. It is time for me to heal. And in order to do so, I have to put myself first. Literally. In my budget, and in my schedule. Even though what I really WANT to be doing with my free time is watch silly movies that help me relax. Even though I've promised myself that I will live within my means, and a new space heater is not in the budget.

Because what it comes down to is this: If I can't function, I don't have a life. Yes, my budget and my down-time are important... But I have to be able to work in order to sustain the budget, and I have to have a healthy and fit body in order to really benefit from down-time, and relax when I watch a movie.

What keeps getting shunted to the bottom of your "for me" list? What are the three things that will make the most positive impact on your whole-life experience, if only you commit to doing them for yourself? What are you spending time and money on, with the excuse that it makes you feel better-- but you can't say that doing it makes you feel better ABOUT YOURSELF?

It's time. Change is in the air, in the leaves of the trees and the clean cold rain. Take the opportunity to do something wonderful for yourself. Even if that means NOT doing something part of the time.

Dwelling on Intention

2008-09-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

I know I'm behind the times-- I haven't read The Secret yet. But from what folks tell me, the big idea in the book is one I already practice, one that is a commonly held belief among my "clan." It's the idea that we give our energy to the things we dwell on.

The belief is that we want to, therefore, direct our energy to the DESIRED OUTCOME or process, so that our energy-- our intention-- moves toward it. Dwelling on our fears, or the thing we want NOT to happen simply puts our energy toward those fears and that thing, regardless of phrasing.

For example, "I want to arrive safely at my destination." is more likely to get the results you want than "I don't want another car crash." Because in the second case, you'd be dwelling on "another car crash..." and the true intention is ARRIVING SAFELY.

It's harder (and more gradual-yet-quick-resultsy) than it sounds. Often, our best method of connecting to the casual acquaintances in our lives is by commiserating and talking about our concerns with each other. If you don't dwell on what sux in your life, what will you talk about with them?? And, last Friday night with a lot of drunk drivers on the road, it was easy for me to dwell on "avoid the drunk drivers" and harder to think "My drive home will be uneventful. I will arrive safely at my destination..." while dodging that ink-blue minivan that was driving-- mostly-- in the middle lane.

We have to come up with a way to define/describe the positive outcome we desire. We also have to catch ourselves thinking in negatives or about all the things we do NOT want to have happen in our lives, and make the choice to re-focus on that positive outcome-- every time.

The mental reinforcement of a mantra or a goal statement, whether at work or in your personal life-- whether in the next five minutes or the next five years-- is a much-used tool. It works. With our minds focusing on "I want this in my life" we are more likely to notice the opportunities that might assist us toward our goal. We are more likely to see ourselves making progress toward that goal or outcome (instead of focusing on what's not the way we want it), and thus have more energy to continue moving in that desired direction. As we focus on that desired outcome, we are more likely to tell people about our hopes, dreams, and positive experiences-- and give them an opportunity to contribute to our triumph rather than to our misery.

For example, I'm moving into a new office this week. I'm VERY excited about this, and see it as a positive change. Sure, it's hard to come up with office rent for a whole month-worth of hours just now, but soon I'll have a huge successful business made of wonderful and repeat clients, and my ability to make a positive difference in their lives. My schedule will be full, I will have the energy to do the work for many clients that I do for a few just now, and as a result, I will also achieve financial success. Enough, and then some. (Quote from Your Money or Your Life, by Jo Dominguez and Vicki Robin, wherein they talk about quality over quantity, and how intentional living bridges that gap.)

Dwelling on "success is coming" sure does keep my energy up!! And instead of saying "shit, I have no chairs for my clients," I decided to use my dining chairs as an interim measure. And with excitement lighting my features, I told my new officemates of the great temporary solutions I'd found to several little challenges like this.

It was a wonderful surprise to then learn that one of my officemates currently has two comfortable chairs sitting in her garage, for wont of a home. She's going to bring them in for me, and she's happy to have someplace else to put them. What a great solution to the challenge that I refused to see as a negative thing! No windows in my new office turned out to be a great opportunity to paint the walls a really bright color, and exercise my muraling skills here and there over top of the new paint color. I'm seeing so many great opportunities, simply because I know this is a great situation in which to work, and success is coming.

Telling myself that this is so opens the door to possibility, just by announcing --repeatedly and confidently-- that possibility exists. It focuses my energy on doing good work and succeeding, and draws similar energy to my life and my office. I'm looking for ways to succeed. I'm looking forward with excitement to a successful life. And excitement, like yawning, is contagious.

I invite you to examine the words, images, and expectations/desires that you dwell on every day. Are you hoping not to be late to soccer practice, or are you hoping to arrive safely and on-time? Are you expecting the copier to jam again and the meeting to run late, or are you intending to get through your day with efficiency and grace? Are you looking for reasons to enjoy getting out of bed? ...or still grumpy and frustrated because you have to go to work, and don't really get to sit around and enjoy the breakfast your spouse made for you this morning?

Now, what does that tell you about your intentions every day? About the places you choose to spend your energy? Try to redefine those concerns that now dissatisfy you in such a way that you will dwell on a positive outcome. Shift your intention. Shift your energy and your focus. Shift your life.

Believe it or not, that's why I love my work so much. Why I am willing to work with my clients' budgets and schedules. Each time I meet with a client who is focused on improving their life in some way, we are putting their intention into action. I get to go to work each day, and help someone focus and shift their energy in a way that will change their life for the better. Eventually, I'd like to build this practice into a wellness retreat. A green-built custom retreat community with a variety of workshops, work spaces, living situations, community-building activities, and healing services such as Massage and quality elder-care. Someday, I will.

What are your life goals? What's the next action you can take to direct your energy toward that end? Maybe it's sitting down with a paper and pen to map out the values that make your big toes wiggle, and decide on some goals or steps you might explore with those values in mind. Maybe it's scheduling half an hour a week into your life for you. Maybe it's time to decide that your goals are just as important to you as everybody else's. Maybe it's time to open the door to possibility, and shout out an invitation.

Self-Offense

2008-09-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

I'm becoming more and more aware of the ways in which women often punish and/or defend ourselves in situations where we feel we don't HAVE power or control or even basic rights.

I'm working with more and more women who have used food as a method of having control in their lives. They punish themselves for not being good enough by not eating. They over-eat to feel comforted and to fill an emotional void in their lives; they often become grossly overweight as a defense against rape and other sexual encounters they don't want to face.

We tell ourselves that we are not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not curvaceous enough, not smart enough, not accomplishing enough, not ENOUGH-- and in doing so, we limit ourselves so that nobody can do it to us. We don't want to give that power away, too. We don't want the criticism that women sometimes receive when we take risks, acknowledge our strengths and abilities, attempt change, rock the boat. There are enough critics in our lives already.

I'm learning that these patterns of behavior-- the self-criticism, and self-limiting; the over-eating and the starvation diet-- more and more, these are cropping up among men as well. And since these are "women's diseases" men often have an even harder time admitting that the problem exists, or understanding why, let alone seeking help to make positive changes and enact healthy patterns.

As a society, we cut ourselves off from feelings. From feeling too deeply, from recognizing our emotions and our reactions to our life experiences (especially the traumatic ones!). We ignore the messages our bodies try to send us in the form of felt aches, pains, and nausea. We get so caught up in trying to be smart and world-savvy that we ignore our own inner wisdom. We lose touch (if we ever found it to begin with) with our inner selves.

Sometimes we are so out of touch with our feelings that we fail to react in fight-or-flight situations; we don't get angry when we are mistreated, or we simply assume that we must have done SOMETHING to deserve the anger directed at us by another, the dismissal of our concerns and of our priorities.

And our internal criticism of our own not-enoughness becomes cruel. There is no pause to ask WHY we couldn't do 100 crunches at our twice-daily workout on Tuesday... after not eating for three days and then staying up all night to study for a class that we're taking after our 40-60-hour work week; caring for our households; caring for our families. Caring for everything but ourselves.

When is it time to care for ourselves? When do we pause and ask ourselves who has judged us-- where that criticism we are using as our measuring stick has come from... And then ask ourselves who has the right to determine our individual worth-- our individual definitions of a successful life. Most of the time, we begin by looking outside of ourselves for approval of our choices, our values, our style of dress and our sense of humor. We look outside of ourselves for clues about what we are supposed to do, who we are supposed to be, and what our reward for "getting it right" should look like. And none of it makes us very happy.

You see, until you have a good relationship with YOURSELF, until you like yourself and figure out what sort of a life would make YOU happy-- chances are, you won't be. It is a risk-- taking responsibility for our own choices and our own happiness. Back to the Cinderella Complex again, really. Hoping someone else will come along and save us from all this.

It's a risk to feel all those feelings that you've repressed or didn't even know you were having for so many years. What if they overwhelm you? Why are you suddenly getting ANGRY all the time?? Well... it's your body finally balancing out. All the emotions you ignored didn't go away-- they just got packed and compressed and repressed into this little box, and when you release the catch on the lid, it springs open and all the unfulfilled unhappy feelings come rushing out. ...But then, the box is empty. It no longer sits there oozing poison and secret shames, feeding your bodily illnesses and emotional instabilities and dependencies on people or on substances or on food-management.

There is finally space for you to learn new coping skills, to learn to recognize when you are having an emotion, and what emotion it is, and maybe even begin to recognize that there is probably a GOOD REASON for you to be having that emotion. Listening to yourself. Deciding how you want to act, now that you have all the information available to you. Befriending and trusting yourself. Accessing your inner wisdom. ...learning to love yourself as an imperfect and wonderful individual... Learning the joy of working toward a lifestyle and a decision-making process that will actually make you HAPPY!! Happy to be alive. Happy to be here, and do that, with people who appreciate you for YOU, and who share similar aspirations and a similar respect for you that you are learning to have yourself.

...If you don't learn to respect and love yourself-- to feel that your needs and your goals and your values and your decisions are important... nobody else will either. Make a different choice. And remember that even if the people you love and currently interact with don't support your goal of finding and appreciating yourself... someone else will. You are worth waiting for, worth searching for, worth working to find. Worth listening to. But this time, you get to do the waiting, working, listening and searching for yourself. It is deliciously empowering to put your energy and efforts to work in pursuit of your OWN GOALS-- and very few of the women I know have ever done this consciously. Intentionally.

So I invite you:
Live intentionally. Live joyfully. Live your own life.
Ask for help, expect respectful treatment.
Dance on top of the world.
Please.

Heart-Friends

2008-09-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

When we were little (especially if we were little in the '50's), we often immortalized our friendships by carving everybody's initials with a heart between-- S.B. -heart- R.O. or I heart Johnny, for example. It was a way of saying we loved someone-- they were a friend of our hearts. It was a hope that we would always have that loving connection in our life.

I have just returned from a retreat. I went there with a friend, I came back from there with many friends. Friends of my heart. It was a very intense process, and yet also very restful. I learned so much from the experiences that others shared with me while I was there-- and I was also able to facilitate the learning of others.

Our blood relatives and our "parents" are often chosen by biology or by someone else's decisions about marriage or responsibility. As children, we rarely have the opportunity to choose our family. Many of us are lucky. We have a parent, or maybe two, who really love us and wish the best for us and work hard to help us grow. Many of us cope instead with adults who hurt us, or who are hurt. As we mature, regardless of what came before, we learn to find folks we can trust outside of our original family.

Often, these people begin as friends, and then we realize that our bond is deeper than mere friendship. We share a connection that is truly special, truly magical. These people become our chosen family-- our "spiritual family," if you will. The folks who love us and who we love as if they have always been a part of our lives, as if they always will be. Understanding that we can create a support network that is stronger (and often stranger) than the family we were born into brings a special kind of freedom with it.

I deeply enjoyed the friendships and experiences of this past weekend. I look forward to our next meeting, whether at an organized retreat or at a local coffee shop. And I know that just because I don't hear from someone I really felt a moment of connection with-- it doesn't mean that I can't appreciate what that moment held. The time I spend with these special people is carved into my heart. Each meeting is a gift, and all the distance in between visits can never take that gift away from me.

As the old saying goes: Merry Meet, Merry Part, and Merry Meet Again.

Maturity

2008-09-03T23:29:00.000-07:00

Remember that maturity has very little to do with age, and only sometimes corresponds to the extent of one's life experiences. I know 50-somethings who take less personal responsibility than some teen-agers. I know 30-somethings with enough learning experiences under their belt to last a lifetime.

Remember that what may be old news to one person could be an earth-shaking discovery for someone else. For example, you may always have understood that relationships-- like people-- change over time. It may be a long and rocky process, full of doubts and anger and pain, for your cousin or your best friend to come to the same conclusion. S/he may be hurt by the changes in your relationship, get angry that the old understandings don't always apply anymore, and doubt whether or not you can have a friendship at all...

And just maybe s/he'll go on to surprise you by facing the fears and the anger, and recognizing that relationships-- like people-- change over time. The best that we can hope for is to change together, or to mature enough that we can embrace the differences as we once embraced the similarities. To celebrate those times when a friend or family member travels through the anger, the fear, and the doubts, to come out a better person and a more understanding friend on the other side.

Remember that we all have our challenges, and that knowing more or less about any one thing does not make us better or worse than the people around us. We do the best we can, and we move forward with hope and awareness. In the end, does it matter more where we end up, or how far we've traveled to get there?

Organized Chaos

2008-08-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. She's been drifting from project to project for almost a year, looking for that one big break that would lead to full time employment in her industry of choice.

For the last six months of her search, she's sent out application after application, and received very little feedback, and no career job offers. And every once in a while, she starts to worry that maybe she isn't good enough, maybe THAT JOB will never appear, maybe she's in the wrong field, or saying the wrong things... It's hard work to search for work-- and the longer you look, the harder it gets to keep your energy up. To feel that there is a place for you in the world, and that you are offering something truly valuable to the world in exchange. To continue valuing yourself, and your skills when it seems like no one else does.

Finally, we sat down together, and looked at the goals she started with, and how they've changed in the last six months. It was a funny thing-- if she'd actually received job offers for any of the positions she pursued, she would have moved to another state-- probably an airplane ride away. Together, we noticed that when she (momentarily) put aside her concerns about a stable income and a career in her chosen field, she's actually glad to be here now.

Here, her network of friends has expanded to include some really wonderful, caring people. Here, she has learned new skills, and honed professional knowledge outside of her chosen profession. Knowledge and skills that will be beneficial to her on ANY career path. She's also a lot closer to her family here, and with a very ill mother, she doesn't feel right moving too far away. Taken in that light, NOT getting any of the jobs she's pursued has actually brought her closer to her goals. It's even created a space for new job opportunities closer to home. Ones she didn't even know existed when she decided what her career path should look like, six months ago.

She's a little more willing to believe that things will work out well for her now. She's not so worried about fitting into that "plan" she made before she knew about her mom's illness... before she learned just how much more she really has to offer the world than what her formal education might imply. Her life can still be chaotic, and she still has legitimate concerns about generating a regular income for herself... But now she doesn't doubt herself quite so much-- and she has faith that there is a valid reason for her to be where she is, to be doing this instead of that.

I like to think of the universe as organized chaos. It may look and feel chaotic, even mindless and directionless, from the inside... But in many cases, there are still too many good happenings, too many wonderful coincidences for them to REALLY be all coincidence. Call it karma, call it luck, call it god, call it whatever you want-- just be willing to withhold judgment (or change your opinion later on) for a little bit longer. It may be that the situation that so worried you-- or that you NEVER want anyone to have to experience the way you experienced it-- It may be that having gotten through that tough time is the very thing that will allow your life to be so much better down the road.

I'm the first to admit that (pardon my blunt language) shit happens. ...but I've learned to see that sometimes we are able to use that very shit to fertilize the garden of our dreams somewhere down the road. It doesn't make it okay that the bad thing happened to us-- it just makes US okay once the bad time has passed. Organized chaos.

Balancing the Ecosystem

2008-08-20T00:54:00.000-07:00

Another aspect of failing to see the forest for the trees applies to our health. That little and all-important microcosm of our community or or office or our home, or our individual bodies. How many times have we said, "I just don't have time to exercise today," or "I'm too tired/grumpy/busy to cook a real meal tonight-- maybe tomorrow."

We all know that ONE DAY here and there really doesn't make that big of a difference. Sometimes the amount of stress a person saves by just eating those french fries in the car on the way to soccer practice is WORTH missing a helping or two of vegetables. But we don't stop to look at the big picture. We don't calculate that actually, we haven't gotten our full four helpings of vegetables a day in ...oh... six or seven years. We may actually exercise so irregularly that each time we do, our body hurts and our lungs and heart and muscles and joints protest painfully, unaccustomed to such sudden abuse.

One day passes, and there are more to take it's place. But a year is made up of those days, and our lives are often measured in years. The same is true of a forest. One tree more or less doesn't affect the health of the forest as a whole... but a forest is made up of many trees. If we cut down one tree a day for a few months or years, suddenly there will not be any forest left at all. If there is something you have always wanted to do for yourself-- learning a new hobby or taking 20 minutes every morning for yoga-- maybe now IS the time to start... because if not now... when?

It is important to balance time for exercise and time for work and time for play and time for rest. It is important to care for your children, and also your spouse and your friends. To stimulate your mind with new and exciting information or ideas-- while also upholding your long-term day-to-day responsibilities. It's important to set aside time for yourself in all that, too.

It's one thing to tell our children to behave respectfully toward their fellow man, and another to model that behavior in the midst of rush hour traffic. One thing to tell our children we want them to become responsible and caring adults-- and another to interact with our children and our community in a mature and productive manner.

No matter what a mother gives up so that her children can have more, if she doesn't model for them a healthy lifestyle and a healthy self-respect, chances are that her children will believe it is a mother's role to sacrifice herself for her family. And a healthy family is not about martyrdom. It is about open respect, shared joy, and deep appreciation for each other-- even for each other's differences. It is about sharing life's challenges as a group so that no one person has to bear the burdens alone.

How healthy is your ecosystem?

The Forest for the Trees

2008-08-19T23:11:00.001-07:00

We all do it. We get caught up in what's happening THIS INSTANT and forget to take in the bigger picture. Our emotional reaction to what someone tells us totally blocks out our awareness of why they told us that. Or we apply a general comment specifically to ourselves, and then we worry about what that comment implied...

We argue with a loved-one and get so caught up in the emotions of the moment-- how unfair they are being!-- that we don't notice how tired and overwhelmed they are feeling about a big project at work and their mother's failing health. We don't know that maybe they are thinking more about what will happen financially if they lose their job, how scared they are about their mom, and not thinking at all about how much you needed one pair of jeans with no holes in it that you just spent $60 to buy. On sale. Somehow, today, $60 is a lot of money.

If you don't understand someone's emotional reaction-- ask them questions. Recognize that they may not know where their feelings are coming from either, and might even appreciate an opportunity to figure it out. If you are hurt by their tone of voice or their assumption or their lack of support, share your perspective with them. They may not realize how their words and actions affect you.

You don't have to be a mind-reader to have a pleasant conversation. Instead, learning to gently uncover the root of the emotion expressed-- and learning to express your emotional response to a situation in an honest and respectful way-- often diffuses such situations before they become deep-seated grudges, and allows for deeper and more caring communication to evolve. I've noticed that sharing your needs or feelings and having them ignored can often teach us something important about the situation, too.

Conversely, we can spend our whole life examining every aspect of a single tree. We can become an expert on that tree, and talk about it at great length... without ever realizing that it sits in the middle of a grove of similar trees, in the middle of a forest. That those trees also have a great effect on the health, longevity, and stability of the tree that we've focused on so exclusively.

Without balance-- without the healthy interaction of the whole forest ecosystem, that one tree would fall in the first high wind of the first winter that it lived. It would dry up or burn up or rot out, but for the healthy interplay between water and earth and tree and fern and other tree and bugs and... No one person, no single aspect of our lives, is truly so important that we can focus on it to the exclusion of all others-- and expect to live long health happy lives. We are each a part of our own ecosystem, and it is our responsibility to maintain its overall health so that we, in turn, can be healthy.

Being an adult is hard work. Focusing only on our failures or only on our successes keeps us from seeing the important lessons and knowledge we have available to us from our life as a whole-- the forest of our lives gets dwarfed when we stand at the base of a single tree, looking up and up it's length.

I'm reminded of a story I heard about two friends. We'll call them Amy and Bob. Amy and Bob were friends for many years. They even got into the habit of talking on the phone every day as they drove home from their respective jobs. But one day, each decided that it was the other friend's turn to call. And when the call didn't come, each decided to wait, until the other friend was not so busy, and had a chance to call. Finally, two weeks later, one friend checked in with the other, truly worried at the long silence that had developed. "Are you okay? Is anything wrong?"

By now, the other friend was offended and hurt, and just a little bit worried by the silence and what it implied. Maybe Bob didn't need Amy anymore. "What do you mean-- am I okay?! I've just got a lot of important things going on, that's all!" Amy wanted Bob to know that she didn't need him anymore, either. That he was missing out on all the cool things she brought to his life by not bothering to check in with her every day. Maybe now he'd start calling her again-- now that he knew he'd missed something important when he ignored her. (Notice that she didn't actually share her fears or her perspective with Bob.)

Bob decided that Amy must not want him to bother her, especially since she had important things going on in her life-- things she didn't want to talk to him about. It hurt, but she'd done this before. (Bob didn't check that his perception of Amy's comment was accurate, either.) So he waited another two weeks for her to have more time for their friendship again. In that two weeks, Bob enjoyed talking on the phone with some of his other friends, and had wonderful conversations with them that he could never have had with Amy. He discovered that many of his favorite interests were shared by one or another of his friends, but that it wasn't so important as he'd thought to share all of his interests with any one friend. That was good, because he'd never really been able to talk with Amy about his fly-fishing lessons anyway. She just wasn't interested.

Finally, Bob called Amy again, and found that her frustration with him seemed to have increased in the time since his last call. In the five minutes they were on the phone, he noticed that Amy did not ask him about his interests or his well-being. She let him know that she didn't approve of some of his friends, and avoided any discussion of concerns she'd shared with him the month before. By the end of their conversation, Bob was frustrated and confused. Amy was such an important person in his life. He'd spent many hours talking with her on the phone in the past ten years. Now they weren't talking at all, and he had no idea why. What would he do if Amy decided she didn't want to be in his life??

Bob needed to call someone and talk about his frustration and his concerns with this all-important friendship. Was the problem obvious to everyone but him? Could he do anything to fix it or to let her know how important their friendship was to him? As he flipped through his contact list, Bob realized how long the list had grown in the past few weeks. He noticed how many friends he now felt comfortable calling to discuss his concerns, and he realized that he had a lot of friends who would drop everything to brainstorm solutions with him if he called and asked. People who wouldn't get offended or worried if he chose NOT to call them about his situation with Amy. He thought how Amy would feel if his friends' role and Amy's were reversed.

And finally he realized that Amy was just one of many friends who made up his support system, and that for all the times past that he appreciated her support, it didn't mean he had to appreciate her behavior now. There was a whole forest of friends for him to spend his time enjoying and growing with, and Amy was one tree that seemed to have stopped growing for a time. In fact, with all the shade his tree cast as it grew taller and taller, leaning over and blocking her sun... it might help her to grow if he DID lean in some other direction for a time. Bob decided that really, it was Amy's turn to call him.

And since he was meeting some friends for dinner later that day, Bob simply turned off his phone, and enjoyed the people around him. Because really, the only person Bob could change... was Bob.

Are you Cinderella?

2008-08-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

From the fairy stories of our youth to the sitcoms we see on TV, the belief that our spouse or friends are supposed to put our needs before their own-- or go out of their way to make sure our needs are met—is insidious. We begin to believe that's their job, to make us happy, just like WE go out of the way to always put their needs before our own.

I've met many women, and a few men, who feel that their job is to take care of the other people in their life, without regard for their own needs or preferences... or emotions. And that their partner is supposed to do the same thing for them in response. Some even (subconsciously) believe that they don’t have an equal right to get their needs and desires met in a given relationship.

And I have to disagree.

It is nearly impossible to guess just what your friend or spouse needs at any given moment because we are not mind-readers. And it is not fair to place expectations on another person without explaining what we want, and why it is important to us. It is a bigger risk-- and a much more satisfying result-- to ask for what we want, or take responsibility for getting it ourselves.

First, we throw out the Cinderella Complex-- we acknowledge that we are each responsible for our own destinies. No fairy godmother to grant wishes, no shining prince to carry us away from our problems, no rich father to pay our way to happiness, no little mice to do for us what we don't make time to do for ourselves, no magical instantaneous transformations to make our world beautiful and perfect. And, without the imaginary rewards that Cinderella received in the story, there is no reason to play the victim who works so hard to please people who will never be happy, no reason to be the angry, screechy, overbearing control freak, no reason to pretend that we-- or anybody else-- is perfect and flawless and able to meet our every need without any hint from us as to what we needed in the first place. No reason to pretend that our only feelings are joy and hurt. People are multi-faceted. We may want or feel conflicting things.

I am not Cinderella, and neither are you.

Now that we've gotten through the painful part, here's the good news: You are no more and no less human than anybody else-- even those individuals who are still auditioning for a role in the Cinderella docu-drama. And, once you stop looking for someone else to save you, or take responsibility for your happiness, or be responsible for how unhappy you are... You get to take back control of your own destiny! It is up to you to get what you want out of life. You always have choices. They may not always be choices you like-- but they are always there.

And, even better, it's okay to have emotional reactions to people and things, even conflicting ones-- the truth is that you will feel whether you acknowledge your feelings or not. And it is SO much healthier to acknowledge them. What you DO control is how you will ACT and what you will do in relation to what you are feeling.

Speaking your truth-- in a way that respects both you and your listener-- is something that takes practice. The first step is to find someone in your life that it is safe to practice with-- someone who will give you a minute to organize your thoughts, who will respect what you say, and will actually respond to it intelligently, and with love. My hope is that there are many such people in your life. ...and that you can become that person for them, in return.

Believe it or not, talking to a dog or cat can be a great place to start-- a baby step on the road to knowing your self, and trusting your reactions to others. "I really love spending time with you, and when you purr, I know you like the way I'm petting you... but I find your breath very distracting. You know, I just bought a box of my favorite breath mints, and I wonder if you'd try one and tell me what you think of them?" (note that human food can be unhealthy for animals to ingest-- this is an example of practicing honest communication)

I've been reading this excellent book called "Truth In Dating" that discusses the ten aspects of honest conversation-- from saying what you mean, to speaking only for yourself, to keeping it simple. I think the communication skills that this particular book teaches are ones that my clients could apply in any number of relationships-- business, family, friendship, etc.

One of the points that the author makes is that sharing your emotional reaction to a situation in an honest and respectful way is a great way to let the person you are sharing with know what you need, and how to give it to you. And once they know-- it is up to them how they will respond. The truth is that you don’t get to control how others act or react to you. But by acknowledging how you feel, and why you feel that way, you are both respecting yourself, and providing the other person in the situation with an opportunity to respect you in return.

I'm getting better at acknowledging my emotions and honoring my needs. I realize that usually, there's a very good reason for me to feel that way. And out of respect for and love of myself, I deserve to be treated with respect and appreciation by the people around me. It's not that I ignore or discount their needs and feelings--far from it. Instead, I recognize that life is about change, and about working with others as a community-- for the greatest good. For the good of the whole-- including me.

Take responsibility for yourself-- your actions, your reactions, how you interact with other people and with the Earth… And take responsibility for meeting your own needs. It is up to you to satisfy them.

Admitting to Anger

2008-08-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

Anger is one of those emotions that many of us connect with "being a bad person." Somehow, if we admit that we are angry, people won't like us anymore, or we're being selfish and hard to please. It's inconsiderate or wrong to feel anger in relation to a friend, a relation, a spouse or co-worker. Something they do is annoying or stupid, but we're not ANGRY about it-- oh no.

And I have to disagree.

I've learned that most people only believe I am worthy of respect when I respect myself, and act accordingly. I've also come to acknowledge that anger is one of our emotions, and it can be a good indication that something is wrong. Our job is to pause and figure out why we are feeling anger, and deal with the cause in an honest and respectful way. It is a risk-- and a much more satisfying result-- to acknowledge that an interaction angered us, and clarify for ourselves and the others involved in the situation how we prefer to be treated, specifically.

There is no reason to play the victim who works so hard to please people who will never be happy, no reason to pretend that we-- or anybody else-- is perfect and flawless and able to meet our every need without any emotional needs of our own. People are multi-faceted. We may want or feel conflicting things. And anger is a natural indicator of a situation that needs to be acknowledged so that it can change. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, especially by friends, relations, spouses and co-workers.

Often now, I suggest that my clients take an hour or so at the end of a conversation to re-evaluate what was said, and really check in with how they feel about it, and about what was or was not done before and after the conversation. Conversations become a two-part process, wherein you check back with the person you were talking to, and clarify any reactions that you've had since the conversation ended. You get a chance to re-evaluate your needs, to acknowledge your feelings, and to consciously decide how you want to act or react-- hopefully in a more healthy, honest, and respectful way than you might have done "in the heat of the moment."

I know that I cannot actually control my emotions-- and that suppressing them is bad for my health and for my relationships. I know that what I CAN control is how I act in a given situation, or as a result of how I feel. I don't have to act out every emotion I have-- and I can find healthy respectful ways to share how I'm feeling-- or to release the emotions privately.

I'm getting better at admitting when a situation or behavior does make me mad. I realize that usually, there's a very good reason for me to feel that way. And out of respect for and love of myself, I deserve better than that. It's not that I ignore or discount the needs and feelings of the people around me--far from it. Instead, I recognize that life is about change, and about working with others as a community-- for the greatest good. For the good of the whole-- including me. That if I don't speak for myself, nobody will-- and I don't want to spend all my time feeling slighted or under-appreciated. If I clearly express myself and my right to be treated with respect-- and the person or situation does not change in response, it's a good indicator that this is an unhealthy place for me to be. And it is up to me to make the change I want to see.

Nobody Says...

2008-08-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'm attempting a refocus of my career goals this month. I've considered a variety of approaches, but concluded the following: Mostly, I need to clean up my personal space, and get some sort of healthy schedule to my life so that when opportunity DOES knock-- in whatever form it takes-- I'm ready. I intend to come from (and return to) a place that is clean, that is friendly and inviting, that is somewhat organized, and that I can be proud to say represents me and how I exist in the world. And that goes for both my physical home and my mental/spiritual space as well. I want to see my best qualities reflected in my space so that I can dwell on that picture of me, and put my best foot forward into the world for others to see.

I also came to some conclusions about why this has been such a challenge for me thus far:
Nobody prepares you for this stuff, growing up. Nobody tells you that it's probably going to be a while before you really get to where you want to be in your career and your relationships. That whatever it is you just spent a whole lot of time training for, and went into serious debt to become, is probably NOT what you'll actually get to DO in your lifetime. Nobody teaches you healthy ways to cope with and overcome all the daily and extreme situational stress that is part of an adult's decision-making process. And nobody explains WHY a sense of humor and a positive outlook are so important to finding personal happiness and success.

(I now think that it's because we can either laugh or cry at the bizarre and unexpected in our lives-- and that if we aren't actively looking for the positives, they can often be easy to overlook-- and life is a lot more hopeful when we can enjoy the little daily victories with as much verve as the occasional big success stories.)

As a friend of mine recently said about an event in her life, THIS ISN'T COVERED IN THE MANUAL!!! It's true that as you get to be an adult, you gain access to a much wider variety of choices. But it's also true that the repercussions of those choices also become much bigger... and that often the choices we have in a given situation are not the ones we expect-- or even want. Hmmm... I COULD spend my free afternoon doing yardwork in the middle of a 100* heat wave... or I could stay inside where it's cool, drinking ice tea and catching up on the last three months of business news and new tech tools for my profession-- and risk getting a fine and a notice from the local HOA. Or I could risk both being obsolete at work AND getting into trouble at home-- to go spend the afternoon hiking around cool and beautiful waterfalls with a good friend I haven't seen in months. Hmmm...

Maybe "adult" is how old you have to be for all the pieces of your life to finally start fitting together. I wouldn't know. I have figured out what sorts of things I want to do with my life, and how I personally define "Abundance," and how a budget works, and what it means to take personal responsibility for my choices and actions... But I haven't figured out how to fit all of those things together into Abundant Living-- into the life I envision for myself. Luckily, I can embrace my "not yet adult" status, and enjoy playing with paints and fabrics, going to the park and the zoo and the beach, and staying up late to have deep meaningful conversations with people I hardly know. Truthfully, I hope to bring these joys with me into my "adult phase"... Maybe I already have.

In the meantime, and as a part of my dedication to right living, I've just started attending a regular Yoga class. This is my first Yoga class for and about me. It's an opportunity to work on my flexibility and muscle tone, to work on my physical health and my mental focus, my balance, my range of motion, etc etc... but it's also an opportunity for me to work on grounding and centering myself. I would dearly like to feel more grounded and centered. And I know yoga will help me with that so far as mental discipline goes.

...But it has also clarified for me that being grounded in my life is different from being grounded in my mind/body, and that I've made great leaps of progress toward being "grounded," without yet reaching it fully. Be it a small corner of a shared bedroom, the kitchen that is really YOUR SPACE, or a whole condo to yourself-- your home space is where you put down your roots. And feeling rooted-- having a space that nourishes and nurtures you-- is the basis for feeling grounded, and acting from a place of strength. It is the space to which we can retreat when we need to think, or to experience an overwhelming emotion. It is our safe space, and the place that allows us complete control and complete honesty.

Without a space of my own, I just don't feel grounded. I don't feel like I'm pushing outward into the world from a solid foundation. And sometimes, even if I do have my own space, the quality of it can be just as influential. Right now, for example, there is a large and untidy pile of papers that need to be sorted into keep, toss, shred, recycle. Mixed into the papers are dirty socks, half-completed art projects, library books, and a sewing machine. The chaos appalls me. I want to retreat to serenity, to a space that is organized and usable from the moment I arrive in it. Right now, I think my space is simply reflecting my sense of confusion, and unrest. My current lack of commitment to a specific project or path. Organizing this space will go a long way toward organizing my approach to life in general. I'm hoping it'll help me clarify my priority of commitment to paths and projects, as well.

What does your space say about your mental state? About your commitment to spending time and energy on YOU? When was the last time you felt truly at home in your home? What do you need to change so that you can feel that coming home is truly a chance to rest and recharge? Your life has got to be about you, and about the things/people that YOU value. I hope your name made it onto that mental list.

Family Dynamics

2008-01-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

I was talking with one of my cousins about the relationships we each have with our parents, and with her older sister. During the conversation, she talked about the treatment she receives from her family, and wondered if she was making a big deal out of nothing...

Having recognized this same behavior myself, I attempted to reassure her that her perception was right, and the situation was wrong. She is the go-to scape-goat for whatever is wrong in her family. If her sister is upset with someone, she picks a fight with my cousin and pours out her frustration on my cousin's head, intentionally misunderstanding her efforts to help. If my aunt has a concern about the youngest sister in the family, that person's decisions were obviously the result of my cousin's bad influence. If she is cold and curls up under a blanket, the blanket is too big and must be put away. If she buys her mother a trip to Europe, the source of the money and decision to spend it in that way are highly suspect, and subject to "not-going-to-judge-you" criticisms. I was getting angrier and holier-than-thou by the minute, let me tell you!

But then my cousin made an astounding observation. It really stopped me in my tracks. She said that she has a choice. She can interact with her older sister and 62-year-old-mother in the way they are willing to interact with her, or she can not interact with them at all. But they are not going to change the way they relate to her. And she has decided that she does want a relationship with them.

She loves them, and she knows they love her (even under all that criticism). She understands (without excuses, evasions, or false hope) that this means she will have a relationship in which they fail to apologize for hurting her, and consistently find fault. She told me that she feels bad complaining about a relationship when she knows what it will be like, and has decided to have it anyway.

And I thought to myself... She's right. Some people want to change, and will put in the hard work it takes to make a change in a long term relationship... but most people just don't. They don't want to change, they can't admit there is a problem with their behavior or habits, and/or they are too afraid of the pain and hard work and self-evaluation it would take to make those changes. So they stay the way they are, even if this way makes them vaguely unhappy. Even if it hurts the people around them. And my cousin's older sister will never admit she was wrong. About anything. It's just too scary for her.

I started to wonder how that applies to my relationship with my own parents, which is often marred by unconscious or unintended hurts, and lots of frustration, on both sides. My parents are getting old. 60+. How likely is it really that they can or will change they way they look at me and interact with me at this point in their lives? Is it worth having a relationship with them to do it on their terms? Even though those terms are often hurtful to me?

Do I stop maintaining my healthy adult boundaries because I know my parents will always see those boundaries as me rebelling, and intentionally hurting my parents by keeping them in ignorance of large parts of my life? My mother's unconscious efforts to manipulate me and our interactions to what she wants them to be without ever directly saying she wants anything at all will probably never go away. It's her survival mechanism, and she is still in survival mode after all these years. Do I go back to my childhood coping mechanism of figuring out what she really wants so I can give it to her, and we can move on with our lives, or do I continue my campaign of refusing to acknowledge hidden messages and hidden agendas, in favor of honest conversation? I know honest conversation is right... but is it possible?

I suspect that I, too, need to face the reality that my parents are not going to change. That if I want a relationship with them at all, I will need to find ways to relate to them as they are, and that my current efforts to have a "normal and healthy" relationship with them are always going to cause friction and pain. They may not be worth continuing. Of course, I also believe that if I don't take good care of myself, no one else will either. So I'm not just going to let my mom manipulate me and ignore the reasonable boundaries that I've set... But what does a realistic balance look like? Not exactly what I want, not exactly what they want, but something we can both live with, and actually enjoy the relationship we do have. I wonder.

And since I know that we all have some form of crazy in our family dynamics (or just in our family members), I thought I'd pass on this honest observation. Just in case it makes a difference for you. We always have a choice about how we interact with the people in our lives. Mostly, we can choose to acknowledge the problem ourselves, and ask the person involved to help us change the relationship. If they don't, won't, or can't do that... we still have a choice. We can learn to live with them as they are, or we can stop having a relationship with them at all. Believing that what is best for me is more important than what is best for someone else-- it's called self-respect. It's a very good thing. Even if what's best for me is continuing to have that imperfect relationship.

Coincidentally

2007-11-17T17:27:00.000-08:00

I've been reading this book called Your Money or Your Life, by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. A good friend gave it to me about five or six years ago, and I'm finally mature enough to read it. The book talks about how a budget is a lot like a diet. You deprive yourself and skimp, and it works- for a month or maybe two. Then you feel you've been so good-- you can relax. And you go right back to your old spending habits. So you start a new budget. Hmmm.... Sounds familiar....

The book was written in the 1980's, from what I can tell, or at least-- a lot of their examples come from that time. So in some ways, I'm trying to maintain a current perspective while taking in the intended lesson of some of the financial examples cited in the book. Like the time that Cindy Soandso realized she was buying a pair of shoes a week and not wearing them. And on her budget, you can see she was also paying $200 in rent per month. Yeah, right. Or how this nice military man and his wife wanted a big family and a home in the country-- and on a budget of less than $30,000 a year, they saved up $45,000 in seven years, while having four children and paying off $25,000 in debts. So I figure now, that would mean an income of around $45,000 a year, and only two children. I mean, really. If I try to believe that $30,000 can support a family of six plus a 20% savings plan for a YEAR in 2007-- I will probably stop reading this book.

The book isn't about setting yet another budget. It's actually about calculating how much time/energy you spend on your current life style, and being accountable to your dreams/goals/values for the way that energy/time is spent. It's about changing your relationship with money and with the time you spend earning it. Dominguez and Robin say that all you need is enough-- and just a little bit extra. The hard part is that our culture teaches us to have endless appetites for buying. The phrase "more is better" simply means that you'll never have enough to be happy. Once you attain it, you want something else-- something more. Because more is better.

Instead, pay attention, and notice what is enough. What is important to you in your life? Do you need another foodiddler to reach that goal or have that experience you really care about? Probably not. One of my favorite tools in the book so far is the Purpose-in-Life Test. Originally formulated by Viktor Frankl, a Nazi death camp survivor, this test helps you determine if you have a strong sense of life-purpose or meaning, and if you have found ways to live your life according to that awareness.

One of my favorite questions on the test was this: "Facing my daily tasks is: a source of pleasure and satisfaction/ neutral/ a painful and boring experience." It really made me stop and ask myself why I spend so much time not enjoying my life. Frankl's book is called, Man's Search for Meaning, just in case you want to check it out. I haven't yet. I'm too busy planning world domination on $50 a week. And besides, I (just barely) have a clear sense of purpose, according to the test results. I'll take that and run with it!

I stopped about half-way through the book to go get my weekly groceries. Step One: record all expenditures to the penny for a month. I filled my water jugs. ($1.40) I got gas. ($34.79) I stopped at a local used book store for a book my mom wants, and found a great little expenditure recording notebook. ($12.37) Coincidence #1: the book she wants is on sale this week. I realized I was supposed to meet my cousin at 3pm to pick up her Christmas Gift to me (time-sensitive), so I rushed over there.

So far, I was very cheerful, optimistic, not too hungry to food shop, totally pleased to get out of the multi-everything store with JUST WATER, and working hard to remember and record everything I spent. Then I drove through downtown in nearly rush hour traffic-- on a SATURDAY, and got pretty grumpy. I also got hungry and thirsty. Bad combo. Cousin's phone was busy so I knew she'd be in. She wasn't in. I tried to find a corner of downtown to hang out in for five minutes in hopes that she'd be back, but everywhere I went, SOMEONE WAS BEHIND ME trying to drive forward. I headed back to Trader Joe's. In nearly rush hour traffic. My cousin called about 20 minutes later. She's home now, where am I? Coincidence #2: She ran to the bank for 10 minutes, and we JUST MISSED EACH OTHER!!!

I hang up and turn into the parking lot of TJ's. Everyone is at TJ's today. Everyone. And they brought their friends along too. In separate cars. Even my brother was there. Seriously. We drove past each other in search of parking. (Coincidence #3.) I haven't seen my brother in a couple of months. So we shopped together (enlightening to say the least-- $19.77 for my groceries this week! Helps that Thanksgiving is at someone else's place.) and then headed out to a late lunch together. Coincidence #4: We actually both had time to catch up right then, and we'd both missed lunch! That was pretty darn cool.

So today I started the process toward financial intelligence. To the tune of $68.33. That's probably about a hundred dollars less than I spent last Saturday. Talk about financial freedom! It's not that I can afford to do anything with this money but continue hoarding it for car payments over the next six months... Nope. I'm simply excited that my life, and the time I spend in it, is mine to delineate. And I just regained control of my budget, too.

Coincidence? I think NOT!

Getting Mad

2007-11-09T10:05:00.000-08:00

There are many different kinds of anger. Today, I'm focusing on the people who just don't GET mad. They don't have that moment of "hey-- I deserve better than this!" where anger is supposed to kick in and help us speak up for ourselves. We're so busy trying to make everyone else feel good that we often don't even notice how bad WE feel in a given situation. Maybe you don't even feel it's worth defending yourself or you don't think, "Woah! I would never treat someone else that way-- why is it okay for them to do it to me??"

When this has been your system of operation, and you are now slowly working to be more self-assured, self-aware, self-accepting and self-serving (in the sense that you finally realized nobody but you can give you what you need out of life)... Those little moments when you DO GET MAD because somebody stepped over your boundaries and tap-danced on your comfort zone or your right to be treated with fairness and respect... those are great victories in your quest for emotional health. Celebrate your mad moment.

For example, about two weeks ago, somebody gave me the deadline of November 15 to respond to a specific request. Yesterday, they emailed me with a demand for ASAP response on that request. You know? It made me mad. I've been working on it. I'm still well within the deadline. (I've got a week left, thank you!) Why are you hounding me?? ... and the fact that I got mad, instead of trying to make that person happy ASAP... for me, that was a little victory. That person is no more important than I am in my life now. The rules don't change just because they are tired of waiting or because they don't respect me. But it is up to me to enforce those same rules, to expect respect, and not to feel like I failed THEM when I don't get it.

I sent that person a clear, polite, and honest response. I clarified my position and maintained control of my process. HOW COOL IS THAT?!

Here is the deadline you set me. Here is what I've been doing in relation to that request. Here is why THIS PROCESS is important to me, and how it could also be of value to you. I know you think THIS PROCESS is a waste of time, but I appreciate (and expect) that you will humor me and do it this way anyway. Thank you.

Getting excited about getting mad helped me see just how far I've come in becoming my best self. I'm finally starting to respect and value my needs, expectations, and actions-- AND DEFEND THEM WHEN OTHERS DISAGREE. You see, anger problems go both ways. You can be someone who gets angry out of proportion to the stimulant-- you can be an ANGRY PERSON... or, you can be someone who fails to acknowledge their anger, who thinks they don't have a right to get mad and to defend themselves. They don't acknowledge their own needs OR their own feelings. This is just as self-destructive and unhealthy, people.

If you go around saying, "it's okay to step on me"... well, then people will step on you.

You have to take responsibility for getting your needs met, and you have to respect yourself, or nobody else will do these things either. We define our own worth in many ways, and acknowledging how we feel is one of the biggies. Acknowledging that we have a reason to feel that way, and then intentionally deciding on a course of action based on ALL of our awarenesses (intellectual, personal, emotional, professional)-- well, THAT's a healthy way to live.

I Do It Better Myself

2007-10-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

I've heard this quote over and over in the past few years--
"If it is to be, it is up to me."
No idea where the quote came from, but I finally had a good long sit-down conversation with myself about what exactly that means, and how I apply it to my life. I came to a few conclusions, too.

Looking back at my life, there are so many times when I've taken on a big project-- something important to my plans for the future or to my family or my job... And even though I had the skills, the time, the need to succeed-- I haven't really. I've waited until the last minute and done a half-gassed job, or I've waited for the right time to pursue my goal and it never came, or I've decided the project was dumb and a waste of my time even though it was a requirement for my job. Whatever the excuse, what it comes down to is that I've been waiting for someone to come save me from my problems.

Prince Charming would ride up in his practical Honda Accord, and give me an extension on my final paper, or a gift of money to pay off my credit card, or maybe one of my coworkers would stop by and give me some tough love about getting that project DONE... maybe my husband or my wife would do those dishes since my feet hurt or my boss was grumpy or... Maybe someone else would just finally come and take responsibility for fixing my life.

I realized that I've been living with the Cinderella Complex (if this is a real thing, and not a name I just came up with, my apologies) for a very long time. And it is time to stop waiting for someone else to come along and make everything better. And I realized that I am responsible for my own success.

I take care of me, and I do it better than anyone else can or should. Because I know what I need and who I am better than anyone else. My success story and my happy ending are within me. I keep my own budget. I wash my own dishes. I manage my own health. I do my own work. If it is to be, it is up to me.

So then I took that one step further, and made it personal. I formed a new picture and a new plan for living out my happy ending, and I based that plan around the idea of balance. Somehow, balance is easier to want to work toward than "personal responsibility." So I looked at different books about symbols that relate to balance. I noticed feng shui. A whole cultural movement based around balance and nature. And I noticed that a lot of balance can be found in nature. That animals and plants must find their own nutrients and sustenance if they want to survive-- if they want to prosper. I want to prosper.

Many different cultures use four or five main natural elements to discuss balance, and since that resonated with me, I used it. If you need to re-imagine your happy ending, make a picture of balance that resonates with you. Here is the story I finally constructed, the new image of my life and my choices that I carry in my head for reference:

I am an unending stream. I take my shape from the earth that supports me and the rocks in my path that cannot stop my progress. I use the sun to clear my waters for action and the fires of courage to light my way and protect MY best interests. The air brings fresh energy and oxygen to my waters so the ideas I have planted within can grow, can spawn. I am my own best advocate, best friend, best judge. I am my own self-- and no one else can or should direct me on the path I know to take.

Who can rescue the water? Who can contain it, direct it or inspire it to change its course? No. I am the water, and I make my own path. Ever moving, ever changing. Ever inspiring, ever beautiful. I do it better myself. It is time to recognize that I know what I need to do-- and that no one else can do it for me. If it is to be, it is up to me.

Fighting Back

2007-09-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

We women often have a hard time speaking up for ourselves until driven to the point of mindless rage. We don't make a fuss if someone elderly cuts us off in the checkout line, we don't demand that the store honor a coupon the day after it expires. We don't tell that mean boy in 5th period (or his annoying father in the next cubicle over) to stop making jokes about our bodily functions, or small bladders or comfortable shoes. We don't fight back. We don't talk back. We don't watch each other's backs.

I recently gave myself permission to defend myself. I used affirmations. It's a way of stating what we deeply want to be true of ourselves as if it is already true. "I can defend myself." "I keep a clean and tidy home." "I take time out every day for my mental and physical health." Whatever it is that resonates most with how you want to be in the world. Take that one statement (or in my case, those 21 statements), and make them into positive and simple sentences. Say it to yourself. The more you hear it, the more you think it could be true, and the more likely you are to make it happen for yourself. Affirmations.

Of course, the reverse is also effective. If we go around saying "I can't...." or "I'll never...." well, say it often enough and it's probably going to come true. You'll probably start believing yourself. So why not take that personal power, and use it to effect a positive change? Why not treat yourself as if you deserve respectful treatment in every situation you encounter. After all, it's true.

Need Sleep?

2007-09-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me to make her husband some tea to help him sleep. He's a chronic insomniac, and it's getting ridiculous. I'm very excited to do this, and although I don't know how successful I will be, I'm giving it a try.

I know any number of people who have chronic trouble getting to sleep, or once they do, they can't seem to STAY asleep. And people, we all need sleep. It makes any number of daily irritants easier to fix, ignore, or overcome. It makes us safer drivers, and better friends. And most of the people I know who have sleep issues do NOT want to use chemicals to get the sleep they need. For one thing, dependgency sux. So does failing to wake up in time for work or for a child's nightmare emergency. And often, even if the chemicals do work to help someone sleep, they are expensive prescriptions, or the sleep one gets from taking the chemicals just isn't RESTFUL.

Many people don't realize there are alternative methods out there. They may be something you are uncomfortable with (take Yoga or meditation), or something you just think is too silly (like breathing exercises, relaxation techniques, or turning off the TV and the computer a full hour before bedtime)... but if you are serious about getting sleep, you might consider giving these alternative treatments a try.

Often, these are not instant solutions-- you might have to try different combinations of them, often for a week or two or three, before you see serious results. And sometimes people (like me) want so much to believe that there is an actual CURE for their problem that once they do start sleeping normally, they stop doing the things that helped them. And of course, the problem returns. That just means that what you did WORKED-- and you need to keep doing it.

So I was excited to offer my little bit of herbal knowledge, and my little bit of alternative relaxation/breathing techniques, to help a friend. For the herbal tea mixture, I used Melissa (Lemon Balm) for its calming and sleep-encouraging properties, and some Nettle to help him breathe. Nettle does amazing things for hay fever and related allergy issues, let me tell you!

I put in a little St. John's Wort because it relaxes the nerves (in fact, this was its original use, and the memory thing was just a bonus!), and a little Feverfew because it is sometimes said to relax the mind. I also put in Peppermint to help with any digestive problems and Stivia to help with the taste. A little pinch of Stivia is enough to sweeten a whole big mug of tea, by the way. Too much gives it a bitter flavor.

Then, I put in almost as much Hopps as I'd put in all the other ingredients combined. Hopps are for sleeping.

Because my Hopps came in their dried "flower" form, I used my mortar and pestle to grind them into individual leaves, if not into a bit of powder. They are usually safe to drink, eat, or burn, and in all forms, they are supposed to promote sleep. No wonder people get tired when they drink too much dark beer! Of course, beer has all sorts of other ingredients, and most are totally unhealthy-- I don't recommend it as a sleeping aid. I do recommend it if you want to gain weight or pee a lot.

Not very many Hopps makes a lot of Hopp Petals, you see. And about 20 minutes after I ground mine, I took a nap. Which convinced me of the sleep-inducing powers of the Hopps. See, I slept in this morning. Late. And I'd only been up and about for maybe an hour when I ground the Hopps, breathed them in as I did so (no choice there, really), and used my fingers to dust off my grinding tool. Then I slept quite peacefully for about two or three hours. Imagine if I'd tried a cup of the tea!

So I'm going to try my Sleepy Tea blend tonight at bedtime to see how it tastes and how I react-- Hopps are supposed to taste pretty bitter-- and then I'm going to pass it along to my friend, with instructions.

You see, medicinal tea needs to be steeped for at least ten to twenty minutes. Without a tea bag. And I want him to stop eating, watching TV, and using a computer at least 30 minutes before he wants to sleep-- right when he should start sipping his tea. I also want him to make a big mug of it each night, and only drink half. I want the other half by his bed, so when he wakes at 2am, he can drink it down, maybe use some alternative breathing/relaxing exercises, and go back to sleep. I also want to explain that most experts suggest it can take as much as 2 weeks to a month to get the full results of a medicinal tea. I don't want him to give up if there is no improvement the first night he tries this.

I share this story because I think it is a good reminder to us all that for minor and chronic health issues, there are a lot of alternative treatments available. We just have to be willing to step outside our usual comfort zone. Drink a strange tea. Breathe in for four counts, and out for four, focusing only on the breathing deep into our tummy, and the counting to fill our minds with calm. We have to be willing to look silly resting with our backs on the floor and our legs in an L-shape with feet resting on the seat of a chair to relax our back, hips, and neck. We have to acknowledge that sometimes it takes more than one taste to decide if we like a food, and more than one session of yoga to see if it relaxes us. (Always being careful NOT to repeat things that don't feel right!)

Self Respect

2007-07-24T17:23:00.001-07:00

If you don't take your own feelings, beliefs, needs, expectations seriously-- why should your partner? If you have a bad feeling or something is making you uncomfortable-- honor your own intelligence, and do what it takes to feel safe. Respect yourself enough to believe you deserve to be respected-- your concerns, your interests and your body-- by others as well. Live by example. Show respect for yourself. Even if it means leaving a relationship with someone you dearly want to build a life with. Taking the responsibility for ending an unhappy relationship is better than being dead because you stayed in it, or spending your whole life hoping for some hazy time in the future when you finally get to be happy together.

Living miserably isn't an absolute, it's a choice. You can almost always choose to make a better happier life for yourself. We never want to give up on love when there is even a sliver of hope that things will get better. But if you are looking for changes outside of your relationship or marriage to make the marriage itself a better happier place to be-- you are looking away from the real problem. If you catch yourself in a situation where you find happiness in daydreaming about how it will be after he gets a new job, after she stops drinking, after you move to yet another house or town, after there is a baby to make you feel more connected to each other... then you are daydreaming about a life you DON'T HAVE. Today is the day you are living. Are you glad to be where you are today?

If not, make a change. It does take hard work, and it does hurt horribly to leave someone you love (however hurtful that person is toward you)-- but the hurt fades in a way it never can do while you are living a hurtful life. And there is amazing freedom in realizing that you are happy-- TODAY! Realizing that you have good reasons to like and respect yourself. Realizing that each person (once they reach the age of about 7 or 8 years old) is responsible for making themselves happy. No one else can do that for you-- not your partner, not your parents, not your kids, not your job.

Now, we all need to learn HOW to make ourselves happy, and we all need help now and then with finding and appreciating the happiness that is right in front of us... but that is different from expecting someone else to make us happy. This works both ways-- if someone else is holding you accountable for making them and their life happy... it's an unhealthy and hopeless expectation. It's not your job. Beyond that, it's not possible. To be honest, it's manipulative and controlling to give someone else that responsibility.

And don't confuse this conversation about self respect and personal responsibility with the give and take of a healthy relationship. Partners means you both chip in, you both sacrifice a little, and you both take responsibility for your contributions (good and bad) to the relationship and to each other. Supporting each other while still being individuals. It's a delicate balance. If you are out of balance, or your partner is, it takes more than hope and words to get back on track. And if only one of you works to GET back on track... well... do you really want to be responsible for maintaining a two-person relationship all by yourself?

Just a thought, inspired by a friend who continues to say "I'm sorry" to the man who hurts her, hoping that if the words are said, everything will be okay again for a little while. I want to ask her-- "When will you apologize to yourself for allowing the hurt to continue?" But she is blind and deaf in her fear that if she fails in this relationship, she will always be a failure. She can't see that she (and only she) is responsible for herself-- and in the area of self respect, she is already failing. I wish I could ask my question. I wish she could hear it. I wish things were different, and I didn't have to watch her suffer over and over again. I know that she is the only one who can change her life for the better. I wish I could help.

To Your Health

2007-07-07T17:17:00.001-07:00

I don't currently have professional health care coverage. I look forward to having it again someday soon-- but right now, I've elected to find ways to take control of my own physical health. And it's working a lot better than I expected.

The simplest cure-all I've found is tea. Yes. Tea. You see, I read in my woman's herbal and nutritional healing books, and I find an herb that sounds right, and that is indicated for something that I know I'm having issues with. Take sleep or allergies for examples.

I make Stinging Nettle Tea for my hay fever symptoms every morning. I boil water (with a little Echinacea root in it if I've been doing too much and feel run-down) and then I put it into my tea pot, where I've put a teaspoon of dried nettle, a quarter-teaspoon of dried green tea leaves (hey, it IS morning, and I don't drink coffee), and some dried peppermint for flavor, good breath, and digestion. I let the tea sit, covered, for 10-30 minutes (depends on if I'm showering while I wait or rushing around like a lunatic trying to fit everything in and not be late to work). then I pour it through a strainer into my tea mug, and it's usually cool enough by then to just start drinking. I try to have a second cup of a similar mixture (without the green tea, maybe add some other herbs for fun and profit) later in the morning or just after lunch.

Then, I have trouble winding down from my busy hectic day and going to bed. So I make tea. It gets hot in the summer, so I often don't even bother boiling the water for my evening cup. I just let the herbs I've selected sit in the cold water a bit longer than usual (20-40 minutes) before I strain and drink it. I often select a mix of dried Melissa (Lemon Balm), Comfrey, Calendula, and maybe some Jasmine flowers or Chamomile to sweeten it up. Very calming.

I've got herbs I can throw in to deal with a headache or a head cold. I have dried tea herbs to treat anemia and bloating and... well, I feel like the small act of brewing my own teas has given me some really great ways to maintain my optimal health from day to day. And it's nice to not be worried about "when is it bad enough to go to the doctor and get HELP!?" Instead, I think preventative maintenance, and I tweak my tea intake every day to deal with what that day may bring, or DID bring.

I'm using those same herbs, and what I've learned about their applications in traditional and scientific medicine, to make ointments for the smaller injuries-- pulled muscles, scraped knuckles, bug bites and minor rashes, razor blade cuts, dry cracked skin-- that happen day to day. I feel like I've taken charge of my health in a very basic and fundamental way. Scientific medicine and hospitals and MD's are important-- don't get me wrong-- but now I know I have them for backup on the big issues-- setting a broken bone or treating a systemic illness-- and there are still things I can do for myself to heal should those challenges come my way.

It's liberating in a strange way-- both psychologically and physically. I don't have to wait to gain easement. I don't have to hope someone else guesses right about what my body needs. I don't have to convince some stranger that there is something that NEEDS treatment, and I don't have to worry that I'm being over medicated because there is no follow up with the doctor once the meds are prescribed.

There is always something-- however small-- that we can do to take personal responsibility for our own health and well-being. Even when our primary care is being undertaken by someone else.
Be well.

For Peace of Mind

2007-06-27T01:39:00.000-07:00

I started to think about those basic things that could be done to make life easier, less complicated, and more peaceful on a daily basis. Here's what I came up with, in no particular order. I laughed after I wrote the list, but I also think it's a good guide for me to check back with on occasion-- I'd like to be a high achiever in the "peace of mind" category, too. I hope it helps you decide what your list will contain.

THINGS TO DO FOR PEACE OF MIND:

Yearly Credit Check
Yearly Exam (important for men and for women)
Back up the Hard Drive Again
Weekly Self-Exam
Laugh More (with friends is good)
Get the oil changed and the wiper blades replaced sometimes
Listen to good music on a good sound system
Walk More, Gossip Less
Keep your tax packets from past years together in one place
Use a pop-up reminder program for birthdays
Own 3 pairs of sunglasses
Get your pet fixed
Have comfey dining chairs
Take a daily multivitamin that tastes good
Buy Organic Foods
Wake up 5 minutes earlier
Get to know your neighbors
Rent a Safety Deposit Box
Floss
Keep your favorite children's books handy
Throw out the skinny jeans, the fat jeans, and the itchy designer sweaters (anything you are keeping out of guilt-- doesn't fit, cost a lot, a recent gift, what if, never wear it but...)
Own a shredder
Set up a savings account with auto deposit from your checking each month
Collect Memories, not stuff
Schedule Alone Time, Beach Rambles and Tea Breaks, Too
Smile when they want to take your picture, even if you feel like a drowned rat
Don't burn candles on plastic surfaces
Change your pillow case more often than your sheets
Switch to Frozen Yogurt
Plan to sleep in sometimes
Dream.

On Procrastination

2007-06-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have this book... "It's About Time!" by Dr. Linda Sapadin. The book is basically a break down and treatment of the six styles of procrastination. Now, I usually find self-help books to be rather silly. Either too simplistic, too full of themselves, too lacking in actual helpful "here's how" information, or just dumb. But this is one self-help book that I'm planning to buy for most of the people I know.

The book includes tests so you can figure out what your major form(s) of procrastination are, your minor form(s), and which ones might be good to read just on general principles. Apparently, most people have one major form, and a couple of supporting procrastination styles. And if you score over 10 on a test-- that is the major one you need to pay attention to.

Uhh.... Dr. Linda? I scored over ten on ALL of them... can I go home now?

Anyway, then I started reading the three I scored highest in. And for the first one, I kept saying-- "That isn't me! I don't do that. Do I DO that? I don't do that." So then I decided maybe my test scores were a little off. Maybe I was so intent on how horrible I am about procrastinating that all I could think was that I was horrible at everything. Well, so with a much lighter frame of mind (Okay, I'm not a total failure, here.), I read the one I scored second-highest in.

Oh.

Yeah... That's Me.

I can now tell you with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that I am a perfectionist procrastinator. I'm sure you already knew that. But see-- I didn't. And for each of the two styles of procrastination I've read so far (means you'll probably get to read more blogs about this in the future)-- there are two sides to the coin.

So with the Perfectionist Procrastinator, you either are ALWAYS WORKING WAY TOO HARD to get everything perfect-- and may not turn things in at work (or school) on time because you are still busy adding things to it to make it PERFECT-- an impossible task that leaves you constantly stressed and worried and wanting to DO MORE and BE BETTER.

Or- you're like me.

You are so worried that you won't do it perfectly (whatever it is) that you find reasons not to do it at all-- or not to do it until your time is so short-- it's the perfect excuse for the final product to be imperfect-- and it's just NOT YOUR FAULT that it's not PERFECT LIKE YOU THINK IT SHOULD BE-- and you assume everyone else thinks it should be, too. Because if you'd just had more time, you'd have done it right. Whatever "right" is.

The best thing about this book-- other than helping me see the pattern of my behavior in a clear and unavoidable fashion-- is that it also offers simple things that I could actually DO to help each style of procrastinator overcome their habit. From now on, you'll hear me changing my "should" statements to "could" options. My "have to" shackles to "want to" intentions. And a few other things, too.

If you feel that you just aren't happy with your life as it is. You are bored, or stressed, or you just can't seem to ever do the things you want to do in your life, your career, your personal life, or somewhere else entirely-- this book might be a good place to start. You might find yourself using some of the patterns the author describes, and you might find a way to change your style for the better.

...by the way...
I'm not shooting for perfection anymore, either. I just want to be a high achiever. I think maybe I can do that. Without so much stress, and so little free time. And without feeling bad about myself and how little I actually achieve (or do perfectly) anymore. What a relief.

Do I Matter?

2007-06-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

I think most of the people in the world are not big picture people. If they were, they'd all be advancing quickly from high school student to CEO of a large corporation. They'd all be competent. They'd all be overworked and underpaid. They'd all be making strategic plans or starting their own side businesses.

Most people in the world are only comfortable knowing their relative importance in relation to a scope that lets them BE important, without having to grow or change or do anything uncomfortable. You know? It's the idea that if most people looked into Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide series) slice of fairy cake and saw their relative importance to the whole universe, REALLY, they'd go insane. People need to feel needed-- on some level, in some area of their lives. It's part of what makes us human.

For a lot of folks, this shows up as a complete lack of interest in business practices or advances that occur in a business other than their own office. An administrative team might set a goal that only takes into account their position relative to similar businesses in the same geographic location (the same town, the same state). Or a coworker becomes so preoccupied with looking good compared to YOU that he/she doesn't realize that when you BOTH do a good job and look good doing it, the company benefits, and therefore you BOTH BENEFIT. It's the driver who doesn't care if he causes an accident so long as he (or she) gets to be the one in front. The fastest. The coolest. The one getting the most attention. And that is one way to feel important.

But it is a limited view. The reality is that we can each make a big difference in the world-- be needed or be valued for our contributions at work or at home-- but we have to work at it. We have to take risks. We have to keep learning and growing and stretching. We have to keep giving to others. And we have to change our perspective.

Look around. Who do you respect for what they gave? Not for how much they got, not even for how much they gave-- but for the quality of the thing they gave away to help someone else. I see doctors who have a day job, and a free clinic for people who could not otherwise receive quality medical care. I see teachers who start college funds for every child who passes through their classroom, creating an expectation and a sense of possibility in each child. I see a teenager who volunteers at the local retirement home on a regular basis. I see the big brother who shows respect and appreciation to his younger siblings for their accomplishments.

Now, look at yourself. What do you have to give that would make you feel good about your impact on the world? Do you want to get active in a city-wide committee to improve living conditions or parks or to change bad laws? Do you want to devote a certain number of appointments or products in your work week to folks who couldn't afford what you do or what you make otherwise? Do you want to bring flowers to a stranger who never gets visitors at the local nursing home once a month? Do you want to start a carpool for soccer practice, to save gas and reconnect with your child's daily life? Maybe you just want to work on being a safer and nicer driver when you're on the road.

Believe it or not, the littlest things make a big impact on the world. If it is given freely, and with an honest desire to do something to make someone else's life a little better-- you will feel better about your place in the world for doing it. Take another look at that piece of cake. See that tiny speck that is you in the universe? See how it's tinged with purple? Now look-- there is a spider web radiating out from you of glistening purple gifts. The good feelings you gave someone else. They show up. They show up in the universe long after you cease to exist.

Power of Positive Thought

2007-06-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's a cliche-- if you think good thoughts, good things will happen to you. Well, you see, it's a bit more complex than that. Positive thinking is a great idea. A good thought. Positive. But sometimes bad things still happen-- and sometimes we are doing our best to be positive in a really negative situation, and just run out of energy. What then?

Well, positive thinking is a strategy, and there's more to it than just saying "it will be okay" to yourself over and over while the world falls apart around you. First, you have to decide what your goal is. Be a cheerful person? Enjoy your life? Get something good out of every adventure/accident in your life? Find a job with higher pay and a better work environment? Get through school or through training with an A? Or something else completely? Decide on one thing for now.

Next, phrase it in a positive way. "Stop Being So NEGATIVE" is pretty difficult to feel good about-- it's your old negative self adding on another criticism to the situation. So start being positive, or find some other way to make your goal something you are moving TOWARD and not moving away from. Also, make sure it's a goal that doesn't require a magic wand. Make it something for your every day experience.

Now, think of one person-- or two or three, if you have them-- that you have access to who can help you with your goal. They can be a role model of someone who already achieved it, or a person who gives good advice and might know some tips to help you on your way. Maybe this is a friend who will check in with you to see if you've done anything to reach your goal this week, if you ask them. The important part of this step is to acknowledge that you you don't have to do it by yourself-- you can look for help, even ask for help. As long as you remember it is YOUR GOAL, not theirs. This makes you the one who has to do the most hard work to get it. Have someone in mind? Put their name(s) aside for now, but know you have a back up plan if it gets hard as you go along.

Okay, good. Now, close your eyes and picture yourself in that situation. In your mind, have this image of you feel the things you will feel when you reach your goal. Look around and see evidence of having attained this goal. Do you see new faces, smiling and industrious, all around you in a strange office? Do you see a new and better watch on your wrist because with your new job, you can afford it? Do you feel more powerful, more positive, more excited about getting up to face the day? Stay with this image of having reached your goal until you recognize yourself in it.

Makes you want that even more, doesn't it. This is the power of positive thought. Going back to this image, smell, taste, feeling in your head when you get up in the morning, and before you lie down for bed at night--- and as often as you want in between. This is what starts your subconscious self on the path to achieve it. Suddenly, you'll start to notice that job ad in the paper or on the web that might be what you are looking for. Maybe you'll find yourself sitting down to re-write that resume so that it highlights your achievements-- and the things that will make you a good hire for a good job when it comes along.

Maybe you'll notice that the sun makes the trees look especially cheerful today, or the rain is making it easier to breathe. You might comment on how you like a coworker's silk scarf or a comic on his cubicle wall-- whatever it is, if you keep envisioning this goal WITH YOU IN IT, as something you focus on exclusively for a few minutes each day-- you'll start to see the opportunities that exist in your life (yes, they've been there all along, you just weren't mentally prepared to notice them)-- and realize that you do have the choice to follow up on them.

Choosing to make the best of each chance we are offered to be better people is what makes us better people. Making the best of a bad situation that isn't going to change-- that's when we start envisioning a new situation for ourselves, and get out of the bad one that isn't going anywhere. That's when WE have to get going. And making those choices-- now that you see the opportunities to do so-- is what gives Positive Thought it's power.

So-- to give you an idea of how looking for the good brings good things into your awareness, here are a couple of websites to get you in the mood:

Simple Things

Three Beautiful Things

Mo's Inspiring Moments

Really, I'm as Old as I Feel?

The Cards We Are Dealt

2007-06-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

We all start somewhere. Maybe you started where I did-- scared, alone but for a few loyal friends, still loving the person you need to get away from, not sure you will survive the next step, knowing you won't survive if you don't take the next step. Maybe you started somewhere else-- life was okay, but something was missing, so you kept adding more projects, more purchases, more plans-- hoping you'd find that THING that would make you content with what you are and what you have. Maybe you started somewhere else entirely.

The thing is-- you've started. That first step toward health is often the most difficult one. Starting toward health and away from the familiar is scary. Sometimes we've actually been moving in the right direction for a while when that hardest step comes, and we bog down, lose direction, lose self-confidence, because we thought the tough stuff was over... So here you are, starting again, feeling a desire for hope-- maybe even feeling hope.

Be hopeful. Your life has started, and wherever you are, you can always move forward from there. But be aware-- it is a choice. You choose your path. And that, my friend, is the most powerful piece of advice I will ever give. Even when the choices are horrible, there are choices to be made. You choose your path. The next most important piece of advice I will ever give you is this:

You cannot choose the outcome of your decision. You can have clear intentions, you can have clear goals. You might be a world-class manipulator... unhealthy and dishonest as that route may be for your own development... (and sometimes, we live that life to survive until we figure out how to choose something better) But the fact remains-- you don't control the outcome. Just the effort and the intention.

When you start putting your energy into the effort and into the intention, and stop wasting energy on trying to MAKE him react like THIS, or make your boss do that, or make your friend feel like this because of what she said... you will become productive. That is a huge step toward living a better life, and having more energy to spend on feeling hope for your future. Huge.

Have hope. Make the effort. Take responsibility for yourself.